There was no big eruption, only revelation. I woke up and within minutes had torn into her for being such an effective mirror of myself. But the anger strangely halted. I did not strip her naked and beat her with my words like I usually do.....many times a day. I did not grasp for the wise tools I've been given to rear hurt children only to pick up the hammer and begin the slaughter. I just stopped. I stopped feeling. I stopped taking it personally. I stopped blaming. I stopped the senseless mutilating of myself for not being good enough and just let go.
The storm clouds of mommy that terrify the other children cleared and grey somber skies settled in. We talked. Without rank or retaliation. She and I just sat and laid it on the line.
I will not use this blog as a platform to rant about her ways. Only to own the lesson I struggle to teach.....Accept Responsibility. And to educate anyone willing to learn about the veiled horrors of oppositional defiance disorder and attachment disorder. These sneaky repercussions of a hurting mother who can't love her baby were hard to detect and easily concealed by stretches of good behavior. Hollowness of the heart.
How did this happen? Why? I know you beg these questions and my answers will disappoint. But I can offer this: Foster care and adoption is clearly biblical and no conditions are mentioned. This is not a path only for former nannies and baby whisperers. It's for the church. Those broken ugly people who dress themselves up nicely for Sunday worship.....all of them. At our pinnacle of self righteousness, you know, the point at which you determine you are good enough to rescue hurting children.....This is where the journey begins. A backwards journey into your past, into your sin where revelation takes place and you start over on the mountain you thought you'd conquered. This is a gift. A blessed uncovering that forces you to nestle into your God's armpit for protection....and correction.
This is all I can offer for now. She is in respite care for 10 days with people who looked at me the same way I looked at her failed former foster parents when they dropped her off at my house. Respite care is something we should have taken advantage of much sooner, but that would have required an admission of lack of control that I wasn't strong enough to confess. Talks will be underway to discuss the path that is best for everyone. But because this has more to do with my anger management, it's not likely reconciliation will occur.
Let your judgement of me be your call to Foster Care. And may your journey begin.