Let me not strive but submit.
The source of my comfort showed me this today in Ann Voscamp's
If you listen to 105.9, Susie Davis, with Everyday Inspiration and Good News, you might recall hearing this week about feelings not telling the truth. We should rely on God's promises, not our feelings.
A truth that is so contradictory to our nature it's almost laughable.....it is laughable in a secular world.
I have been reading the Bible. Yep. Does it annoy you that I have even said that? It irks me sometimes when others tell me things they are doing that I want to do, know I should do, don't feel I have the time, energy or patience to do and they must be bragging about their success. (if that isn't a clear window into my wounded soul!)
My church insisted, not encouraged but INSISTED, I do this thing. Reading the Bible. Like...everyday. And not a verse at a time. But a whole chunk that takes even longer to read than it would take me to shower.....which is one of those things you people brag about and it kinda pokes me in a soft spot.
Using a program from LifeWay called Reading the Bible For Life, it's a 4 plus 1 plan (2 segments of Old Testament and 2 segments of New Testament plus One Psalm). It should take about 15-20 minutes, they say. With 4 kids it takes about 6.5 hours. So I have to get up early and get it done before they wake up otherwise I can't make all the connections from book to book and get the big picture and then what would be the point?
This has caused great change....all this waking early, reading God's powerful word and having a clear perspective for my day. I'm bright faced and sunny tailed getting out of bed although I should be more tired because I'm not going to bed earlier in order to accommodate this insistent and bothersome church decree. And I'm not getting up 20 minutes earlier either. I tried that and it was too close to wake up time for the babies, so they'd hear me and wake up with me. So, I have to get up about an hour and a half earlier than normal to drink enough coffee, shower and read before they lay claim to my life with their pittery -pattery-stinky-little feet.
It takes a lot of coffee to read Chronicles. Strong black-hole coffee. The lists are endless, the names are tongue twisters and point does not exist in our human world. I don't know anyone who curls up with a manifesto of their ancestors on a rainy day. I feel silly reading these names. I feel like it's a waste of time. But feelings are not promises. They are transitory.
But still....why on earth would this be asked of me?
It is not of earth that the request is made.
Do not strive but submit.
Rely on truth, not feelings.
I have ceased striving to find reason for the lists or even truth amongst them. Needing it to makes sense is just another mask for control. I will simply submit to truth and lay feelings on the altar. He has asked this of me. Not my church, my God.
This is what I teach my children. (I learned it from Good to Angry by Turansky and Miller)Obey first, and then we can talk about it.
They are too stupid (yes, I'm using that word and I'm not afraid of it....it means without knowledge, judge me if you must) to understand why it's important to clean up messes, do things without grumbling or execute tasks all the way, right away and with a glad heart.
I am too stupid to understand why God wants me to read Chronicles.
Maybe it's because through my obedience, I will learn better how to teach my children obedience? Maybe it's because there is power in His word and simply saying those silly names will bring healing, light or wisdom to my life. Or does it simply amuse Him to watch me try to internally pronounce Machbannai, Zillethai or Jehoiada. I don't know. I don't want to know. I want to rest in the fact that He knows and all I have to do is obey. Then maybe we can talk about it someday.