The Return of Joy

His power is made perfect in my weakness. And oh how he has flexed his mighty grace muscles in my life this last 4 days.

On Tuesday I groaned to my sisters in parenting hell about feeling repulsed by my children's touch at times. On Wednesday their prayers opened a portal allowing me to accept the Holy Spirit's nudging to reach out to them and break the touch-barrier in all the loving ways a mother should yearn for her children.

On Wednesday I was still having moments of envisioning their destruction and yielding to Wormwood's hold on my heart as I sought to hurt and hate them because of the way they make me feel about myself. But on Thursday, scripture's sweet release from the lies had molded my cold heart into warm affections.

On Friday I found myself intrigued by their nature and felt equipped with some new tools from a book called Good to Angry (Turansky and Miller). Today, Saturday, joy crept in and mercy was effortlessly extended.

The only thing I did to bring about any of this change was complain to the right people. The people in my life who breath God's word into me, share my experience in this foster care/adoption spelunking adventure and are standing with me, boots on, in the dark, loving me well.



The cave metaphor is all too accurate. Adopting through foster care is no "roller coaster" for the highs to do not come often enough nor are they as thrilling.....and nothing happens fast. This is spelunking, cave exploring. Scary and something few people do.....for good reason. It is dark and lonely and tricky to navigate. It requires special equipment and careful preparation. Your first steps into the foster care cave are exciting but cautiously measured while still secure and firm footed. There is still some light from the opening. But doubt sets in when things get black. You feel your way through it relying way too much on your deceitful heart and before you know it you are lost and afraid. The cave is not to blame nor are the characters in it for they have always been creatures of the dark and have specially adapted to their conditions. It is your arrogance that traps you. Then your guide turns on your head-light and shows you the rest of the way (because you had this equipment the whole time but didn't know how to turn the damn thing on) and you begin to see the beauty in the cave dwellers and the landscape of patient formations of calcite, the structure of impurities. It is still a long crawl back to the sun but you might stay awhile and explore this underworld to see not what you can do to change it, because you cannot...you are only an ill-prepared visitor, but to see how it's contrary beauty can affect change in you.



I have not posted in awhile because I was waiting for something positive to say after my last ranting. Sugary encouragement is still far from my lips right now for anyone considering this avenue of obedience. But the Bible is full of painful instructions that lead to abundant life. Pruning is no trip to the spa (John 15:2), iron sharpening iron (Prov. 27:17) is not the lap of luxury, carrying a cross (Matt 16:21-25)is no Kate Spade bag of the season, and being held to the fire until your ugliness surfaces and can be skimmed off enough times so that God can see his reflection in you (Prov. 25:4)....yeah, that one is not even as enjoyable as a chemical peel at a med spa. While I believe he desires joy for my life, his methods confound me. Please pray for our continued desire for and dependence on His Word.