Leaving a Legacy

My dear friend Erin hooked me up with an amazing chick from her church whose parents adopted older kids when she was 15. We've been emailing a bit but have never met. Her encouragement has been crucial in our development of a mental framework for fostering and adopting. Erin says this girl is a RARE JEWELL. The kind of person every parent wants their daughter to grow up and become. Below, I combined some of her responses to my questions about what her life was like and if she thought her parent's expectations of what kind of impact they might have on these kids was met or not.


MEGAN SAYS:

Hi!

I'm happy to share our "story" we have learned so far in all this :) I'll start with an apology because I'm sure it's going the be a long response.

I think the first place to start is to determine if you want to be foster, or you want to adopt...because that will really shape the whole approach to the process. With foster, you can adopt...but foster is really about taking kids in for a period of time, and letting them go when called to do that. If you guys have a heart for the transitional, that would be a wonderful option. There really aren't enough good foster families. Some kids do stay forever, but the thought process with foster is that you get them for a window :)

With adoption the focus is forever, I think foster would have been difficult for my family just because there is no way that my mom could have a child in our home for a few years and then let them go, we are a family that gets way too attached. We adopted a sibling group, siblings are harder to place, so we felt called to do that. They were 5,8 a boy and girl. At the time I was 15, and my brother was 11. I think our situation was mixed. They had been in and out of foster care, and group homes, as well as in and out of their mothers care off and on. She was bi-polar and into drugs/alcohol. They got to our house with very few belongings, all in garbage bags. They worried about food and used to hide it in their rooms, worried we would run out. My mom used to have to sit in the bathroom while they showered because if they couldn't physically see my mom they would scream. It's hard to even think about that now, 18 years later. The long term issues from the bio mom created attachment disorder in my sister, so she literally can't bond with anything. She wasn't held as a baby etc. It's a bit frightening because family is a term with no emotional attachment so she didn't feel badly about behaviors, language, decisions, etc. And now she is 26, and we go for months sometimes without hearing form her, because it doesn't occur to her. When you're used to a close family that's hard. My brother has some developmental issues that make basic decision making more difficult for him, he is now 23 but he is very attached and we see/hear from him regularly. He lives the closest to home and has dinner every Sunday with my parents.

I think that medical and family history are CRITICAL in being able to assess if a child is a good fit for your home. Some, like the ones we adopted took so much emotional energy and work that it changes your family. It changes the dynamics, communication etc. My brother felt, and still feels, like he really was overlooked because he was fine, and they required so much that at the end of the day they just didn't have much more to give. So the greater the need, the greater the time and energy. Now as adults with more perspective I think we are all better at just accepting each other where we're at and not having the expectation that we do things the same. For example it was expected that my bio brother and I would go to college, my parents tried to have that same expectation of my other siblings but they just didn't have the same feelings or desire...so my parents had to learn to just let us all be very different kids, motivated by very different things. The bottom line is we all know they had/have a life far better than ever possible because of the choice my parents made and we all feel good about that.

I think with a 5 month old it would be a wonderful opportunity, because if it's adoption they are now siblings, so if it starts at a younger age, the easier it is for them to feel bonded. I would, if possible, avoid kids that come form a background with mental illness, that is more unpredictable than substance stuff. Agencies usually are not as open in disclosing that info but of all the things I think you should push for info on...that would be #1. Substance issues probably on some level affect up to 60% of American born foster/adopt kiddos, BUT that is much easier to manage and in many cases is mild in terms of behavioral issues. I also don't see issues with being an interracial family, kids don't see color the way grown ups do and it's not something that our family would have considered a deal breaker. I think the older the child the harder it is to undo the years in the system, but some people are gifted with teens, so that really is an area unique to the family.

God calls special people/families to do this, and if that's where you are feeling led...he will bless you guys and the process, and have the kid(s) that are supposed to be your family ready at the time you're ready. It won't come without challenge, but it will be huge in terms of rewards.

You and your husband could have a GREAT impact on these kids. It might not be the way you pictured it, or feel the same but an impact nonetheless. I think kids are so much smarter than anyone gives them credit for, so it's really more of an adult fantasy that a child comes in and it fits perfectly and it's a family, end of story. These kids have been let down, possibly hurt physically, for sure emotionally...and they dream of a family but at the same time have been made to feel like they aren't worth it. It takes a lot of time to turn that boat around. You could have the perfect placement and have none of these issues as well. I just feel like we were led to think it was so easy, and it wasn't...we had to reach out and find resources, network etc to see if our experience was "normal". It will change your life and the life of the kids, but it can be some hard work.

My parents just took over guardianship of 15yr old twins that lost their family, and I watch the news on Haiti and want to go down there and bring back some kids. Adoption/Foster will leave a legacy for your daughter, as it did for me. I want to do it as well, even knowing all I do. My husband is not of the same view, but I feel like over time as I expose him to the horrible conditions kids here in the US, and all over the world live in...I hope he feels like it's a little selfish not to consider saving a child not born to us. I'm kind of a pain in the ass so he'll hear about it :)
I hope some of this helps.

Megan

How amazing that her parents are continuing to bless more children and that she hopes to do the same! If our Baby Caton can grow up with a sense of responsibility and love for hurting kids and ends up wanting to give back, then we have created a legacy that impacts God's Kingdom. Which is the only legacy worth leaving. THANKS MEGAN!