Ugly thoughts

Today is Sunday and we will spend the bulk of our evening finishing our application and putting together all the documents that prove we aren't Martians or Mormons. And when the app is finished, we are only about 10% of the way there. It starts with a 19 page application, then a health inspector report and a fire inspection. HUH? I have NO idea what a health inspector looks for, but I'm pretty sure I'll be listing this experience as one of my most embarrassing moments. When they find dog hair in the refrigerator (how does it get there? do they get into the fridge when we aren't home?) or realize our chicken is allowed in the house when it's raining or cold outside, I'm certain we will be crossed off the list of appropriate people to whom an orphan should be appropriated.


In addition to being harshly judged (why am I so defensive in assuming they'll be harsh?) by inspectors of all sorts, we have to take 9 classes to learn how to restrain a child, store psychotropic medication and secure our chainsaw. I'm really hoping we don't end up with an aggressive, bi-polar psychopath, but I appreciate all the education I can get on how to manage them and love them effectively just in case we do. So, I'm pretty stoked about the classes! They start Tuesday and would end on Feb 20, but I have a wedding that day and so we'll have to wait for the last few classes to roll back around in March unless our agency offers an expedited program to accommodate Haitian children influxes. I'm really hoping they will offer more classes in preparation for the Haitian kids as I'd love to get this knocked out so we can move on to our home study!!

A home study is NOT the same thing as the health and fire inspection. The home study, from what I understand, is when the agency sends their experts into our home to interview (interrogate) us separately and then together (in case we give different answers?) on things like disciplinary action, sensitivity toward the biological parents, and of course, view our home to see how many kids could fit. I'll have to clear out a room and in it place a single folding chair and dangle an obnoxious 200 watt light bulb from the ceiling. But all kidding aside, this is also our opportunity to tell the agency what kind of kid(s) we want and what we might find unacceptable. And this is where I get confused, scared and very very sad.

I have ugly thoughts. I have shallow thoughts. My husband, as close to perfect as a man gets, probably doesn't think like I do, but it is HARD to consider what boundaries we might set for what kind of child we'd volunteer to love. How do you do this? Should I be honest about the fact that I wonder if I'll have a harder time cherishing an aesthetically unappealing child over a really cute one? Or would I?


I did adopt the ugliest dog in the pound once because I thought nobody would ever love him. And when I work in the children's ministry, I always pay close attention to the weird, snot infested kids because I'm afraid that they'll feel unloved or compared to the cuter, happier kids.


So, maybe I do have a heart for the less attractive kids. Or is it just SO awful that I even think they are less attractive that I shouldn't even be allowed to raise my own children? I know God sees them all the same and made each child unique and perfect for His plan, but let's face it, the world has brainwashed us into placing value on beauty. Therefore, those lacking beauty are deemed less valuable. And it makes me sad that I can't escape this evil no matter how much I love Christ. I can escape acting on these awful thoughts (sometimes) but I can't keep from thinking them.

And talk about SAD! How do you tell the agency what we find unacceptable in a child. Why is ANYTHING unacceptable if we are called to love unconditionally? I mean, I get that they don't want you to care for a child you don't really want. And you have to be mentally, physically and emotionally ABLE to care for the kids you take on, but how sad is it that so many foster parents only want the easy kids?

Well, we talked about it and we have VERY few requirements. We will just let the Lord lead us. Since we don't feel ready for ANY of this, why bother limiting ourselves. We'll just see what God thinks we can handle. Should be interesting to see what God thinks of us. Easy kids must mean God is thinking, "yeah, the Goldsmiths can barely provide the basics for Caton, so let's not saddle them with kids that can't cook for themselves, do their own laundry and pretty much teach themselves algebra......As a matter of fact, let's give the Goldsmith's kids who can take care of THEM!" But what an honor it would be for God to think we are capable, in any capacity, to love and nourish a child who has no concept of family, doesn't know how to love or who may have physical disabilities or 5 siblings from whom they cannot be separated. YIKES!!! and YAY!!!

I still have so much growing to do! I can't wait to see how God uses these kids to teach me how to be more like Him.