They Grow on Trees

Profanity

2011-12-12T11:18:00.000-08:00

I read www.aholyexperience.com by Ann Voskamp. It's a blog full of beautiful insight and she is a rather famous author of a very poignant and poetic book that I'm not smart enough to read, but the blog is little chunks of wisdom that I can usually digest. Today she posted a quote by Elisabeth Elliot that said "profanity is failure to see the inner mystery". Huh? Thank goodness Ann explained that inner mystery, in this case, means holiness. So foul language is a failure to recognize holiness. I still didn't get it. I read it at 6am this morning and it's now 1:25pm and I GET IT!

I knew this was speaking directly to me because I have been feeling very convicted about my bad habit of using curse words freely and with no filter. I usually stay away from the F word unless I'm really mad, but I even use profanity in daily talk with my kids when things get tense. Some of you gasp, I know.

So I have been thinking about it all day and it just hit me and I had to start typing before my thoughts escaped or some evil spirit buries them in my laundry pile that I never see the bottom of.

Using bad language....and not just curse words, but wicked-talk via tone or vocabulary means that I am not seeing myself as a vessel of God. I am not seeing my poor subjects, to whom I wickedly speak, as God-breathed beings. When I curse at nobody but the corner of a table for the stubbed toe, I am failing to remember that Christ is with me. That He walked this earth because of Christmas day and it is therefore Holy. It is ALL HOLY. Every moment of repetitive refinement, every purification by child-induced fire or cash poor cross carrying bad day.....it is all Holy because He is at work in it. All of life flames with God and I am missing it with my "me" eyes.

So here goes my NO CUSSIN' commitment. If you hear me say it, rebuke me. If I type it, stop reading this blog and spend your time with someone who gets how sacred it all is.

That's all. Thanks for your support.

Taking a U-turn

2011-12-08T09:16:00.000-08:00

Here is a short list of what has been turning in the last 2 months:

Georgia turned one and started walking and turned her babble into words.
I turned to prayer for healing and have a new heart for my kids.
Caton can turn a somersault.
Max turns a mean round-off and is excelling in gymnastics.
What to do about their terrible school is turning into a daily conversation.
Ridgley has turned her habit of lying into a realization that truth really is easier.
The babies are learning to take turns and it's precious to watch them wait patiently.
Caton is turning in her pull-ups for big girl panties.
Jesus is turning Ridgley's tired old heart in for a shiny new one.
And we are all waiting for our turn to make the adoption of Max and Ridgley final.
The year will turn from 2011 to 2012 before that happens.

The word "turn" makes me think of the best description I have heard so far for what it means to repent. A u-turn. To turn and go in the other direction at the realization that what you're doing is in opposition to God's character.

I haven't considered a venture into foster care and state adoption as repenting until now, but isn't that what I did? I turned from a completely self serving life in which I nodded to God occasionally to a path of obedience (at least in this one area). I was traveling down the easy road where children are naturally loved and I turned around. Leaving behind everything safe and known. Now I am on an adventurous road with God. Scary and dark. Where He is the light unto my path and without Him I cannot see 2 inches in front of me and so I sometimes stub my toe and scream bloody curse words. Then I turn on the God-light and I can see, but only enough to feel safe about the very next step. The majority of the path ahead is completely unknown.

Is this what I was called to? I honestly don't know if I was 'called' to this by God or if I just talked myself into it for self serving reasons. But it was a u-turn. My old path was fine. Nobody would call it a sinful path necessarily, but indeed it was in opposition to God's character because it only served me and ignored the command to care for widows and orphans. The new path is toward God's character. There are still so many more turns in the road. New ways of obedience I have not yet considered much less adopted into my life and character.

And the truly jaw-dropping realization lately has been that God has not asked me to pursue orphans because I'm gifted at it. He hasn't even asked me to be good at it. And I'm not. His command is to care for widows and orphans in their distress. As a matter of fact, I think on days when they are not particularly distressed, I hardly provide care for them at all. Half kidding here.

He hasn't asked me to love them exactly the same as I do my biological kids but just to care for them. We are commanded also to love one another. But I have never pressured myself to love my neighbor the way I have pressured myself to love these kids. I have beat myself up over not feeling a more equal love for them. But if He is the source of love, then shouldn't I simply be giving HIM to my neighbors, my kids, my friends and family? Is the love he is asking us to have for one another the deep overwhelming feeling kind of love? Or is it to love them as I do myself? And if so...how do I love myself? Not with a gushy-mushy-stare-at-myself-till-I'm-blue kind of baby-love? Not at all. The way I love myself is by protecting my interest, growing myself, learning to be more Holy, feeding my body and preserving my heart. I can do this for my neighbors and orphans and widows and even people I dislike by encouraging them, putting the needs of others ahead of my own, giving sacrificially and proclaiming the gospel. And if I'm walking in the Spirit, I can maybe do even better than this!

The love I am going to give my kids isn't going to be enough anyway. It isn't going to save their souls. My love isn't enough for Caton and Georgia either. All it will ultimately do is show how perfect a parent God is when they finally realize I am an imperfect-human-mommy-sinner who loves a perfect Father. The purpose of my faulty love is to show His Perfect Glory.

I hereby free myself of the pressure to gush every time "they" walk in the room. But I will embrace them, encourage them and teach Jesus by living sacrificially. I will fail at all of this from time to time and then I will teach them how failure shows us a need for God.

And lately I have found myself leaping for them. Little heart-jumps that remind me God can do ANYTHING...even with my hard heart. I just have to be willing. Not an expert. Not even really capable. Just willing to turn.

Their past visits them

2011-10-03T07:05:00.000-07:00

Turbulent but forward we are making progress and life is becoming as normal as yours. However normal that is or isn't. Us too. Nightmares have subsided, sleep-walking has been less frequent and our authority has been established, challenged and is holding strong under fire.

And then a ghost from their forgotten past reminds them where they came from and how easily chaos can enter their fortress.

Until the adoption is final, the details are best left undisclosed, but their little hearts are tender again. Memories, new information about their biological mom and fear keep them skittish, fit-full and agitated.

Therapist to the rescue tomorrow. He says this can ultimately be a good thing, unearthing some deep wounds that need fresh air for healing.

My rescue therapy has been a humble little blog called Little Pieces of Ordinary by Ashley Haupt. I found her last week and have a blog crush....blush? I've read several posts now and her gentle words are like aloe vera on a sunburn. Today she reminded me that control is only a facade and loss of control is the beginning of freedom.

This information will take awhile for me to unpack. In what areas have you given up control and found freedom?

Feelings vs. Truth

2011-09-24T08:43:00.000-07:00

Let me not strive but submit.

The source of my comfort showed me this today in Ann Voscamp's

A Blogger's Prayer

If you listen to 105.9, Susie Davis, with Everyday Inspiration and Good News, you might recall hearing this week about feelings not telling the truth. We should rely on God's promises, not our feelings.

A truth that is so contradictory to our nature it's almost laughable.....it is laughable in a secular world.

See, they're laughing.

I have been reading the Bible. Yep. Does it annoy you that I have even said that? It irks me sometimes when others tell me things they are doing that I want to do, know I should do, don't feel I have the time, energy or patience to do and they must be bragging about their success. (if that isn't a clear window into my wounded soul!)

My church insisted, not encouraged but INSISTED, I do this thing. Reading the Bible. Like...everyday. And not a verse at a time. But a whole chunk that takes even longer to read than it would take me to shower.....which is one of those things you people brag about and it kinda pokes me in a soft spot.

Using a program from LifeWay called Reading the Bible For Life, it's a 4 plus 1 plan (2 segments of Old Testament and 2 segments of New Testament plus One Psalm). It should take about 15-20 minutes, they say. With 4 kids it takes about 6.5 hours. So I have to get up early and get it done before they wake up otherwise I can't make all the connections from book to book and get the big picture and then what would be the point?

This has caused great change....all this waking early, reading God's powerful word and having a clear perspective for my day. I'm bright faced and sunny tailed getting out of bed although I should be more tired because I'm not going to bed earlier in order to accommodate this insistent and bothersome church decree. And I'm not getting up 20 minutes earlier either. I tried that and it was too close to wake up time for the babies, so they'd hear me and wake up with me. So, I have to get up about an hour and a half earlier than normal to drink enough coffee, shower and read before they lay claim to my life with their pittery -pattery-stinky-little feet.

It takes a lot of coffee to read Chronicles. Strong black-hole coffee. The lists are endless, the names are tongue twisters and point does not exist in our human world. I don't know anyone who curls up with a manifesto of their ancestors on a rainy day. I feel silly reading these names. I feel like it's a waste of time. But feelings are not promises. They are transitory.

But still....why on earth would this be asked of me?

It is not of earth that the request is made.

Do not strive but submit.

Rely on truth, not feelings.

I have ceased striving to find reason for the lists or even truth amongst them. Needing it to makes sense is just another mask for control. I will simply submit to truth and lay feelings on the altar. He has asked this of me. Not my church, my God.

Obey first, and then we can talk about it.

This is what I teach my children. (I learned it from Good to Angry by Turansky and Miller)
They are too stupid (yes, I'm using that word and I'm not afraid of it....it means without knowledge, judge me if you must) to understand why it's important to clean up messes, do things without grumbling or execute tasks all the way, right away and with a glad heart.

I am too stupid to understand why God wants me to read Chronicles.

Maybe it's because through my obedience, I will learn better how to teach my children obedience? Maybe it's because there is power in His word and simply saying those silly names will bring healing, light or wisdom to my life. Or does it simply amuse Him to watch me try to internally pronounce Machbannai, Zillethai or Jehoiada. I don't know. I don't want to know. I want to rest in the fact that He knows and all I have to do is obey. Then maybe we can talk about it someday.

Accountable Kids

2011-09-14T20:46:00.000-07:00

What you see here are my big kids happily vacuuming and cleaning a table and chairs. Yep. You're Kermit-green with envy, I know. I was not holding a rifle to them despite what the neighbors have reported either. Here's what happened:Accountable Kids is a program we learned about through another foster parent at Arrow, our foster and adopt agency. They had success with it and told the other parents about it months ago. It was on my back burner for sometime before we finally ordered it. At $30 per kid and another $17 for the book on how to use it (which you REALLY need) it would put a hole in our budget bucket since we have no category for kooky-maybe-it'll-help-behavior-programs. However, after the last few posts, you know that I have been wallerin' in some self pity mud and we do have a budget category for mental health so we ordered it.We bought the quick start DVD too and popped it in for family movie night after the kit arrived. We told the kids to shut up and watch it. Sure did. They were quiet through the whole thing. Threat of raining Mommy drama? Maybe, but more likely they were just intrigued as the video does a good job of introducing the program. Afterwards Max said, "Hey, we should totally get that!". Teehee. I said, "We have it!" Then he argued with me and said no we didn't and then he was grounded. Kidding. But that is how it would have gone down if we didn't have this program because we are negative consequence type parents. Its how we were raised and yes, we know better, but the genes are hard to shake.

So they got to paint their boards which was fun.... until Ridgley started acting like a peacock on speed and stepped in paint and then onto the carpet after being told to please wait a few minutes before insisting on full attention.......this is the way of the cracked out peacock in it's adoptive habitat. Alas, the boards were installed on the wall and we began the program the next day which was the day before school started. They were excited and eager and Max took to it like a micro-man on a mission. Ridgley was more "what can this program do for me?" than "what can I do for the program?" but she has come around and it's working like a dream come true.

Accountable Kids is based on tickets and earning privileges. It is a positive reward system that also allows for disciplining through loss of tickets. They do chores (brushing teeth, making bed, getting dressed, sweeping, putting clothes away, taking vitamins, etc....just daily activities and some actual house work) and they earn tickets for completing a morning, afternoon and evening routine. For example, our kids have a card each hanging on their board for make bed, brush teeth, get dressed, personal care, and 'on time'. The board tells them what to do. I used to stand in the hallway and redirect lazy-mackrel-mouthed kids back to the bathroom 3-6 times before they would get everything done. Now, they check the board, do the chores and earn a ticket! One ticket in our house gets them 30 minutes of media (their choice). There are other aspects of the program that have catapulted our home, angry bird style, from militant-mental ward to happy pig dwelling. They can earn a best behavior card for demonstrating the fruit of the spirit. They earn special dates after 10 days of success. There are 'helping hands' that encourage them to offer to help with no reward expected and my favorite is bonus bucks. They can earn an allowance for doing chores outside the everyday scope and are beginning to grasp the concept of buying things for themselves after working for it.It's not rocket science but what I am realizing is that the creators of this program have really thought of everything! There is a sneaky little system of checks and balances that kicks into gear even when the kids seem to stop caring about earning a ticket (which never lasts long, btw). And it has kept us accountable for never letting them have access to media unless they are 'spending' a ticket. No more iCarly or Power Ranger induced zombie-itis. They set timers and turn it off quickly because they lose a ticket if they go 1 minute over. They are even learning about interest and borrowing because if they lose a ticket for bad behavior (being told twice, arguing, whining, etc) and don't have a ticket to pay, then they owe 2 tickets. This happened for the first time today. It has taken 3 weeks for one of our kids to screw up and be ticketless. Ridgley hosted a perfect princess pity party with all the glamorous sobbing, heaving and body thrashing you'd expect from a royal peacock. The difference was I did not scream and yell. I stayed calm and let the system do the work. She lost privileges and later in the night she was fine and fully realized she would have to earn two tickets to pay back what she had to borrow earlier and she knows she can be back in the green tomorrow afternoon if she falls in line with the rest of the peasants.I could write for hours about this, but ask me any specific questions or doubts you might have and check out the website. The site doesn't give away all the nitty gritty details, but I will. It has been LIFE GIVING and I cannot say enough how much I think you need this if your kids are 3-11 years old. On a scale of 1-5, this is a 5 STAR system.

Blooming Love Flowers

2011-09-05T10:39:00.000-07:00

Sweet Holy Moses, things are good again. I'm not gonna get to wordy and flowery with this post. But know that I am smelling Peonies in the air far more than poopy attitude (my own). Inspired by my dear friend, JoNeel, I am making you a list of the amazing qualities my big kids possess:

1. They NEVER sass me or talk back (not to my face or that I have ever seen)

2. They almost always say please and thank you

3. More times than not, they respond with Yes Ma'am (perhaps out of fear, but nonetheless)

4. They make their beds without being told (thanks to

Accountable Kids

program)

5. They are not smelly children

6. She never complains when I tug and pull and sometimes rip out her hair (because I'm still learning how to manage black hair)

7. He has started saying I love you in clever ways so he doesn't have to say it out loud

8. They LOVE their baby sisters

9. They almost never argue or fight with each other

10. She is infinitely patient with her brother

11. He is oh-so-gentle and kind to his baby sisters

12. They share everything they have with no regard for any item's safety (toys often destroyed by little ones and they never complain)

13. They actually verbalize how much they love living in our house and with our family.

14. They have no longing or attachment to bio family (sad, but let's get real....that only makes things harder on everyone)

15. They offer to help one another with tasks (seriously! It's unreal)

16. Have you seen these flippin' kids? They are drop dead gorgeous. (sometimes I forget this and sometimes I am enamored by it)

17. They would rather spend time as a family than alone or watching TV (yes, I know it won't last)

18. She follows directions very well and makes STRONG efforts to grow in character, skill and strength

19. They read the Bible and memorize verses (not voraciously, but still....)

20. They are almost ours.

So there. Whining be gone. My kids rock and I suck. But love is growing again and God is revealing my dark side by giving me a sunny side.

Check out this blog post. It's my mantra for the week.

How to mop for Jesus’ sake

The Return of Joy

2011-08-20T20:16:00.000-07:00

His power is made perfect in my weakness. And oh how he has flexed his mighty grace muscles in my life this last 4 days.

On Tuesday I groaned to my sisters in parenting hell about feeling repulsed by my children's touch at times. On Wednesday their prayers opened a portal allowing me to accept the Holy Spirit's nudging to reach out to them and break the touch-barrier in all the loving ways a mother should yearn for her children.

On Wednesday I was still having moments of envisioning their destruction and yielding to Wormwood's hold on my heart as I sought to hurt and hate them because of the way they make me feel about myself. But on Thursday, scripture's sweet release from the lies had molded my cold heart into warm affections.

On Friday I found myself intrigued by their nature and felt equipped with some new tools from a book called Good to Angry (Turansky and Miller). Today, Saturday, joy crept in and mercy was effortlessly extended.

The only thing I did to bring about any of this change was complain to the right people. The people in my life who breath God's word into me, share my experience in this foster care/adoption spelunking adventure and are standing with me, boots on, in the dark, loving me well.

The cave metaphor is all too accurate. Adopting through foster care is no "roller coaster" for the highs to do not come often enough nor are they as thrilling.....and nothing happens fast. This is spelunking, cave exploring. Scary and something few people do.....for good reason. It is dark and lonely and tricky to navigate. It requires special equipment and careful preparation. Your first steps into the foster care cave are exciting but cautiously measured while still secure and firm footed. There is still some light from the opening. But doubt sets in when things get black. You feel your way through it relying way too much on your deceitful heart and before you know it you are lost and afraid. The cave is not to blame nor are the characters in it for they have always been creatures of the dark and have specially adapted to their conditions. It is your arrogance that traps you. Then your guide turns on your head-light and shows you the rest of the way (because you had this equipment the whole time but didn't know how to turn the damn thing on) and you begin to see the beauty in the cave dwellers and the landscape of patient formations of calcite, the structure of impurities. It is still a long crawl back to the sun but you might stay awhile and explore this underworld to see not what you can do to change it, because you cannot...you are only an ill-prepared visitor, but to see how it's contrary beauty can affect change in you.

I have not posted in awhile because I was waiting for something positive to say after my last ranting. Sugary encouragement is still far from my lips right now for anyone considering this avenue of obedience. But the Bible is full of painful instructions that lead to abundant life. Pruning is no trip to the spa (John 15:2), iron sharpening iron (Prov. 27:17) is not the lap of luxury, carrying a cross (Matt 16:21-25)is no Kate Spade bag of the season, and being held to the fire until your ugliness surfaces and can be skimmed off enough times so that God can see his reflection in you (Prov. 25:4)....yeah, that one is not even as enjoyable as a chemical peel at a med spa. While I believe he desires joy for my life, his methods confound me. Please pray for our continued desire for and dependence on His Word.

Sacrifice

2011-06-23T19:28:00.000-07:00

Warning: This is not the uplifting kind of post I'm proud to create. This is the spilling of guts. It's what I promised. I have no pretty pictures to post. All I have is laid bare in this unoriginal font knitted together in some unimpressive words.

This is flippin' hard. I'm not really parenting these children as much as I am rehashing my own childhood and cursing them for being the same as 8 year old me. The "you spot it, you got it" phrase is more than appropriate but it's reminder only makes fun of me for knowing better. Shouldn't I be able to see them fail at following kindergarden instructions and smile with remembrance? Why can't the moment I recall with fondness how air-headedness was a way of life be the same moment I apply grace to my kids?

But that moment of grace comes way later and usually after the idea of an apology to them has flooded my mind and then been quelled by pride. No apology escapes, just vacancy where yelling and looks of disappointment wiped out whatever frivolous and innocent thoughts or dreams they were concocting were beginning to bud.

I confess this, Lord. May the cold feeling of inadequacy be warmed by your grace blanket. Let me teach them the way you taught others. Not with harsh words, but with patience, gentleness, kindness.

I don't want to eat the lies hidden in the cupcakes of life. I know I am doing good. I know they are better off here than anywhere and I know God made me for this very purpose. But the dross keeps clouding the silver on top and so He keeps heating me up, purifying me with uneaten dinners, unmet expectations, spilled milk. (But not the on-the-counter kind.....the under the table-seeping into my favorite pillows that have been tossed on the floor because NOTHING WILL EVERY BE PRETTY AGAIN-running down the cracks in the fake wood floors.....that kind of spilled milk).

And this all makes me so tired that my very best friend has been ailing for over a week with a terrible sickness and I've been unable to muster up the energy to bless her in any way. And yes, I feel dreadful, because Hurricane Katrina would not keep her away from me if I were in the same condition. I love you, Christy, and I'm thinking of you hourly as I kick up to the top of the water for another breath before being dragged back down by the swift undercurrent of my life right now.

Rub a Dub, 4 kids in a tub

2011-06-07T19:10:00.000-07:00

These pictures tell the story of the past month quite effectively. Glory to God for his abundance. Deep gratitude cleanses my iniquities as a parent and friend. Even I cannot feel badly about my short comings when I count the extravagant gifts. So good that I want no change.

These faces plant new seeds of hope hourly. We bonded immediately. But now I am falling in love. It's most obvious with Ridgley. It's true that we fall in love with people based on how they make us feel about ourselves. She imitates me. Flattery perfected. It's lovely to hear her use words that I use. To glean character from her mentor. I'll have to be careful to brush away the chaffy stuff because it will surely stick to her spongy hair.

Yesterday, I overheard her asking her friend if she knew what sin was and then later explaining to her that God wants us to think of others before ourselves. She watched Veggie Tales this morning. She must have considered it all day because this afternoon her furrowed brows had burst into a botox smooth realization that the cucumber was God! She's taking in the Gospel like it's Goldfish!

Caton is almost two now and that is hard because her hormone-a-coaster is making my life shake. But I'm proud to say that I am off the Wellbutrin and back on my Jesus-zac. 6am quiet times for 10-30 minutes do more than the drugs ever did to keep anxiety and nuttiness at bay. Jim has been fearfully, but wonderfully waking me. Thanks, babe.

This boy. This boy replaces caffeine. Well, he could if I could trust him to taste as warm and wakey-wakey. Max energizes me with daily unpracticed brain yoga. "Everytime I fart, I get smarter".

And Georgi is crawling and pulling up on everything. She hauls milk all over the place and you can hardly catch her. She's eating people food and has 5 chiclets that draw blood and smiles.

P. S. If you haven't read 1,000 Gifts and you think I might have said something lately that was insightful, please know it came from God, was captured in the colander that is the author of that book and poured into my life through the little holes. It's heavy and weird like Jack Black. But good and life-breathing like Reese Witherspoon doing CPR.

I got this, Yo

2011-05-08T19:34:00.001-07:00

Our colorful carousel continues to spin to sweet Calliope music. Up and down we go with a routine that feels monotonous but secure, snug and even warm. Just like my little freckled and popsicle stained face as a kid, hair tangling in the breeze as the ponies go round and round, up and down. The ride isn't exactly exhilarating, but it's predictable and fun none the less. The highs and lows ride the x axis more than the y and you never want it to stop!

Life got easier after Monday. Monday there was no Daddy at home after school and they tested me. It was flat out exhausting to hang in there and back up my big mouth as I threatened to take away Wii or endure a 7 minute stare down to get an answer to a simple question. Stuffed animals and bedding were flung far and wide, lips jutted out and voices were pitched to a level of whining perfection only Fran Drescher would envy.

I really believe it now. Kids truly crave structure. They are hungry for boundaries given in love. It was the love they had been missing. Their little cocoa a lait faces would twist in confusion as it slowly occurred to them I would love them as strongly as I disciplined them. And that for every harsh tone there were 10 bubbles of praise popping delightfully on their noses.

It was a sweet week. Caton has been overjoyed at the addition of what she must consider play-slaves. Small adults created solely for her amusement. And do they ever amuse her! All she requires at her age is an audience and it's grown exponentially!

Little baby Georgi doesn't cry for more than 2 minutes before Max is riding his white horse to her rescue. He has discovered she squeals in delight when he says "Boo" and his tender little heart cannot even be stopped by Wii Storm Troopers at the verge of rescuing the princess, he simply MUST tend to his baby sister's cry for help. Already her knight in shining Under Armour.

School? Easy breezy. Having moved so many times, they are pros at making friends and flattering teachers. Our tight after-school schedule allows them only 15 minutes of play after we get home and before homework time. They usually want to get started on homework sooner and have enjoyed having Mommy watch them and interact with them while doing it (code for: praise me for anything because I missed out on this at age 2-4 and I really need it now). They also love to read to the babies and we keep it fresh by reading outside when weather permits.

Another emergency technique we employed is a white board with Yays and Boos. At the realization that Daddy was the key to obedience and the missing link in their lives, we discovered that if we write on the board the Yays and Boos to discuss with Daddy when he gets home, they tend to aim high, and even compete, for Yays and would throw themselves into a snake pit before getting a Boo to discuss with Daddy. Daddy's pride and praise is the American dollar to Mommy's pesos. And that is ok by me!

Mother's Day was four times as good as last year. Literally. One baby last Mother's Day. Four babies this year. And with that comes what all you experienced Mom's must already know....that a Mother's Day gift is more about the kids than you. I got Uno. And if you're feeling sorry for me, don't. Cause it's Uno Attack. The fancy one. That's right. We played it and laughed and then it broke. C'est La Vive.

Honeymoon is over

2011-05-02T19:37:00.000-07:00

I now understand that the floral, fizzy, exhilarating love bath God gave me with these kids was necessary for me to endure the pulling of the plug and draining of the water because now I'm standing naked, cold and shivering with no towel.

Sweet holy Moses! What a day. We're back to reality. They went to school today. The morning ran smooth and according to the schedule we created. Pick up from school went well, I was 3rd in line and the kids were excited to see their baby sisters and Kayla and Kiera too. (the one and three year old I keep on M and F). They did their homework and a bit extra and then Max decided to sweep the dining room floor. Wow. Life is delicious. And then someone pulled the plug. Whining, bickering, fits, pouting, ignoring me, firm positions taken against a dinner they'd never had (pot roast) and incessant questioning was the death of a thousand cuts. None if this behavior is out of the norm for a six and eight year old, I'm sure. I just haven't had 8 years to prep for it and build a tolerance.

There were some beautiful moments but honestly, they just got overshadowed. I will share one. This morning, when I was still a warm and caring person I explained to the children who Osama Bin Laden was and what he did (they had no idea what 9/11 was) and that he was dead and this was great news. I mentioned we should celebrate. Someone said cake. I offered Dead Osama cupcakes that we could smash to celebrate his death. Morbid? Maybe. But they'll never forget 9/11 now (can you hear Alan Jackson singing in the back ground right now?)

I'm the only one that smashed my cupcake, but the kids retold me who he was and what he did without missing a single detail! I wonder if cupcakes can be used to teach algebra?

They've never been anyone's screen saver!

2011-05-01T19:01:00.000-07:00

I took their picture and saved it as my wallpaper on my phone and showed it to Max and Ridgley. You'd have thought they'd been put on the cover of Vogue. It got me thinking.....it is likely they have never been anyone's screensaver. Nor has anyone ever made them lunch to take to school. It's therefore unlikely they've ever had cut up strawberries and grapes and I know because they told me, that they've never had a turkey wrap or been driven to school. These are small things and certainly not critical to a happy childhood, but these are small things you only do when you go the extra mile for your OWN kid. Their ill grandmother, ex-stepfather, evil auntie or recent foster parents were merely keeping them alive, not loving them as their own.

Well, they are my own now and things will be different.

And boy are things different already. I'm writing in a fog of exhaustion surpassed only by Georgia's natural labor and delivery. It's fun and frustrating and well, nothing else really matters. I'm living in the moment and trying to keep eternity in focus. If my business falls apart, but these kids find Jesus, eternity has been my focus. If my business thrives, we get rich and these kids miss out on seeing Jesus through us, then mortality is my focus.

In light of my determined eternal focus, I'm struggling in the area of home expansion. Maybe some of you can chime in on this. We want to convert our garage to a master bedroom, add a detached garage and be able to take in more kids. Technically, we have room for one more as is. After that, we'd need a group home designation, but we could get it by doing some extra training and adding a sprinkler system to our house (fire code). The family I mentioned recently with 12 kids has only 1900 sq. ft and a 'cabin' for their two 18 yr. old boys, so I know we don't 'need' it, but man.....it would make life easier for everyone that lived here if we had another bathroom, a pantry (which we do not have at all) and another bedroom.

Poor Ridgley, who is sharing a room with a 6 month old and a 20 month old, already wakes up a 6am when Caton turns on her aquarium. It comforts Caton back to sleep but sweet Ridgley ran into our room this morning having no idea what that noise was. A nursery for kids 5 and under and a big girls and a big boys room seems reasonable. But the expense is more than twice what we thought it would be to convert our garage (a ghetto fix in the first place...seems we should be able to add a 2nd story for what they want to convert garage....45K).

If you're thinking that God will provide, you're right. But hasn't he already? They have a comfortable home and if I asked Ridgley if she'd rather us use our extra 'kid money' (from the state...which is $640/mo per kid) to pay for a room that might be hers short term but that she'd later have to share, she'd MUCH rather share with her little sisters and take ballet, gymnastics and all the other fun classes and sports kids who don't belong to anyone miss out on. So, we could use that money to pay a loan payment or it can go to the INSANE grocery bill we now have , fun vacations, extra curricular activities and possibly home-schooling.

Charles Dobson did some research that showed, when asked what they liked most about childhood, people always responded with stories about time spent with their parents. They never responded about their big house, fancy cars, nice clothes or fun toys.

You see my predicament? (and no, we don't even have Caton in a gymnastics class even though she's the next Nadia Comaneci, because it squeezes our budget too tightly) I suppose I will lay it at the cross and await a response. But I'd love to know what you would do.

This is Max pushing Caton on her bike that she's still too small for. He and Ridgley were riding and Caton finally got tired of watching and wanted to ride hers too. I was holding GiGi, so Max took it upon himself to get her bike out of the garage, set her on it and push her all the way down the sidewalk and back. He did this so carefully and with such vigilance that she never so much as became unsteady! Just a bit later he wiped out on his own bike and got a nasty scraped knee. He passed up dad and ran to me for comfort like he'd been breastfed too long! HA! Sweet Mommy love! It won't be long before I have completely forgotten or ignored the fact that I did not birth these children. God has provided an eerie bond already.

On to the commitment ceremony! I merely wanted to bless the kids with given names, make them feel welcome and let them know we don't need a 6 month waiting period to see how they behave before we commit to adopting them. But the effort and love that showed up on our lawn at 5pm on Friday was breathtaking. We had balloons, neighbors, teachers, grandmothers, friends and kids we barely knew! We flashed welcome home signs with their new names on the back of the signs. Jim kicked off the whole thing by sharing 1 Samuel Chapter 1 Verse 27 and 28 "I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him so now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord and he worshiped the Lord there." Then he gave them their names which they adored immediately!

Jim blubbered a bit, but only in the most loving way that exuded his strength and authority in our household. Then Zac, our pastor, a man who while standing in our yard was booking airfare for 6 to Africa to pick up his orphan baby in just two short weeks, challenged us with a beautiful 'charge' as parents and also charged the kids with a commitment to receive love from us. It was perfect. The kids seemed to really get how serious this all was and later asked "is this whole thing just for us?".

Today was their 2nd trip to church and they seemed right at home. They went to their classes without any hesitation and both recited their memory verses to us later. Max declared in a loud voice as our discussion about what they learned started to wind down, "I FORGIVE EVERYBODY!" and then immediately followed with "Wait, what does that mean?" Idyllic teaching moments!

They are soaking up every bit of Bible and Jesus we will give them. It's really too easy. I can't wrap my head around the fact that I am not stealing grace from a lot of people because I simply have too much.

A more thoughtful post

2011-04-29T12:27:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the last post and the complete disconnect from one paragraph to another. I was trying to share pictures of the little changes we did to our house to prepare for the kids. I could have deleted it or edited it now that I have a few quiet moments, but that wouldn't be true to the purpose of this blog, which is to share the insanity and sweetness of a life in foster care and adoption through the state!

So, allow me to try once more and do some esplaining, Lucy! During my last post, I was about to leave for a play date and was trying to get a blog post with pics of the new rooms up really quickly before tonight's ceremony and before the kids destroy their rooms with all the crap they'll bring with them. (crap is a term of endearment in my vocab) So, I loaded up all the girls in the car (no small feat) and finally had silence. I decided to eek in a few paragraphs before leaving for said play date while the girls were all out in the car. But I started to worry that someone would drive off with all of them if I took too long, so I cut it short.

By the way....THANK YOU JONEEL! The play date was a wonderful distraction! You fed my kids, they played so nicely and you fed me! I didn't even realize what a favor that was until I got home and realized all my kids were exhausted AND my house was still clean!

I'll leave the pictures as they are in the last post and just add this one! This is Georgi's little 'room'. There is actually some play space in there too where she can sit and play without being trampled! She's been sleeping in there for a few nights now and seems to like it......at least that is what I gather when she goes to bed at 7 and doesn't wake up till 8am!

Today is the Day! Welcome Ridgley and Max!

2011-04-29T07:19:00.001-07:00

Our commitment and naming ceremony will be brief but we are so blessed to have friends coming to celebrate with us! I'm trying to blog with 4 kids under age 4 whining and crying and laughing and giggling all over the house, so it'll be brief. (I watch a one and a three year old on Mondays and Fridays).

So, it's 10am and I just loaded all the girls into the car and there they sit, watching Barney on DVD while I blog in silence. Is that wrong? I think it's just industrious.

We have been preparing all week for the kiddos to move in today! Here are some pics of Max's Room, the Girl's room and our new entry with cubby holes for shoes and book bags, plenty of hooks, a calendar and a white board for chore tracking and notes!

Caton, Georgia and Ridgley will share a room, but Ridgley gets bunk beds! We still have to hit up Ikea later for mattresses.
Georgi has a cute little nook in the closet! More pics later. Starting to worry someone might drive off with my car full of kids.

Bigger Happy Family

2011-04-24T19:05:00.000-07:00

If I had a 10 gallon heart, it wouldn't hold all the happiness and love I feel right now. What an amazing weekend and almost all of you were part of it! I keep breathing in so deep trying to unravel and neatly organize the precious moments.

It wasn't all fa-la-la-la-la. There were several times I felt overwhelmed. Partly because Jim was incapacitated after a minor surgery and partly because I have no idea how to divide 1000 lbs of love into 4 equal parts. Make that 5 equal parts if you count Jim.

But overall our weekend with our new babies was divine. God made them for us. He knit them together in a random womb amidst chaos so that they could start building character by overcoming adversity from day 1 PN. (pre-natal) Then set them on a course the world would call horrific, but He calls predestined. So that by the time the super scary, extra hairy roller coaster ride is over, they land smack dab in the middle of the icing on our cake. From here, they'll learn truth. They'll meet Jesus. Done.

That's our job. And that's it. We don't have to heal them or turn them into good students, college grads, doctors or lawyers. We just have to make sure they know Jesus.

We asked them how they felt about allowing us to name them. The suggestion was met with enthusiasm until I told them that I'd wrap them in baby blankets and snuggle them like newborn babies while issuing names like Pinkus and Petunia. Not really.

I carefully explained it was their choice and they could also choose to keep their first names as their middle names. They want totally new names.

What a cool parallel this is to being born again. A new name. A new start. It doesn't erase your past, it just makes it less consequential to your future. Who wouldn't choose this little token of such a life altering moment.

From the moment they walked in the door, it was love at first sight. Mommy, Daddy, Sister, Brother. They totally embraced everything about our family. Jaylon stated to us that we'd be adopting him. Yes please. Because they don't really remember their mom, there are no torn loyalty issues or separation anxiety. Their maternal grandmother has raised them from ages 2 and 3. She has MS and physically can't care for them which is how they ended up in CPS and then in 2 other family members homes and 1 foster home in the last 18 months. She is a great influence and is the reason they are so amazing and I'll give credit to the foster family too for teaching them discipline and boundaries. She'll continue to be in their lives and hopefully you'll all meet her......I guess we'll be adopting her too.

Tonight they had to go back to their foster home till Friday. This weekend was supposed to be a test drive. Can you believe that? A test drive. And the 6 month waiting period before legal adoption consummation can occur is another test drive. So if they misbehave or disappoint us we can give them back. Ouch. It hurts me FOR them to even think of it.

We don't want them to know anything about the 6 month waiting period or the potential for the evil aunt to appeal the court's decision. They are ours in our hearts and in our home. They don't need to concern themselves with the details of our jacked up legal system.

When they arrive on Friday, we'll have a commitment ceremony and give them their new names. We'll pray, eat some hot dogs, spray some silly string, suffer a few mosquito bites and call it one of the best days of our lives. It'll all go down around 5:30. The foster family is going to be there and hopefully their Grandma too....so if you decide to join us, don't be surprised. The kids still call them Mom and Dad (we are "mommy" and "daddy") and their daughter, Taylor, will always be their sister. They'll come to us with very few gold nuggets so we'll let them hang on to all the good they can cling to. I know you are all dying to know their names so I'm just going to tell you in case you want to show up and bring a card or anything personalized.

Ridgley Rhiann
and
Max Ryan

A few of you have already asked what you can bring and invited yourself and that is touching since we didn't expect much involvement. If you want to be here, you are welcome to attend and we'd like to suggest you bring a little something that is meaningful to your family so that as you present it to them you can explain why it was important to you as a kid or something along those lines. We just want to celebrate the idea of family. We do not want to shower them with toys. Instead, let's flood them with love and sentiment about what it means to be a forever family.

Meeting our Kids Today: April 22, 2011

2011-04-22T06:27:00.000-07:00

We will meet our children today. Licensed for foster care and adoption 11 months ago, we did not know this would happen so soon or at all. We set out to simply see where God would lead us. Would we only foster many children for short periods of time? Would we adopt a sibling group of 3? Would we become overrun with fear and quit the whole thing?

There are so many things to be afraid of, unless you daily apply Light to your lie. The lie is that life would be sweeter for Caton and Georgia if we didn't risk their health and emotional well-being by bringing strange and traumatized children into our home. If this was a 20/20 episode, just about everyone would agree. But our life is not dictated by the concerns of the secular world. What they worry about, I will rejoice over. What they fear, I will embrace. Because if God is for us, who can be against us?

Soap box be gone. And if I sound preachy....it's just me reminding myself of the mission.

Okay, so since that last paragraph, the current foster mom for these kids, Jaylon and Brianna called. Wow. Interesting conversation since I have judged their family pretty harshly for dumping these kids. Her excuse was that their 7 year old is too close in age to Jaylon and Brianna (7 and 9) and that she felt like she was always correcting one and not the other and afraid of the damage it would do for them to think they weren't loved as much as the bio kids. Well, all siblings have that battle, so it's not a valid reason. But she said one thing that might let her off the hook in my eyes. She said "you can love them better". If she couldn't daily decide to love them regardless of her emotional lack of gushing gooey tenderness, then maybe it is better this way.

The thing I was most afraid of is these kids feeling like someone decided they did not want them. The therapist told the foster parents to tell them that the judge decided they'll never have to see their aunt again (she abused them and was appealing for custody) but that he decided for them to live with a different family. I'm cool with this. Yes, it lets the current foster family off the hook, but it's so much better for the kids to think a 3rd party made this decision than to feel dumped.

The reason for her call was to clue me in on the judge-made-the-decision conversation she had with the kids and to tell me how excited they are to meet their new Mommy and Daddy. Deeeeeeep Breath. I didn't see it coming. I expected pain and sorrow and skepticism from these kids. But God gave us giddy, excited, can't wait to meet you instead. He's cool like that.

We are prepared for a long hard battle to over-come bad behaviors, lying as a way of life, bed wetting, etc. But it wouldn't surprise me at all if God gives us a much easier road because we have not tried to control this process at all. We kept ourselves wide open to foster or adopt. To boys or girls. To age 0 or 18. To good kids or bad kids. We simply had faith in God's hand in this. We used discernment where necessary, followed the nudging of the Holy Spirit and kept Satan at bay through scripture meditation. Obedience is all that is required. God doesn't want misery in our lives. He just wants us to be okay with it if that's what he decides. Whatever He wants. We'll see.

If I sound like I am tooting my own horn. I am. I feel good that I overcame all the things I blogged about last year. I renewed my mind so that I could know God's perfect plan. And now I have few doubts that this weekend will be anything less than a celebration of the union of our family to our long lost children.

See ya at church this Sunday! You know wanna get a good look at 'em!

I can't WAIT to post pics of Jaylon and Brianna playing with Caton and Georgia. My next post should be so much more colorful and look out for that Christmas card this year!!!

It's Raining, It's Pouring

2011-04-20T19:32:00.000-07:00

So adoptable and foster children really do grow on trees! Foster kids come into the system by the dozens, daily. As rights are terminated, they become adoptable.

We were finally told we were not selected for the 3 kids recently mentioned. But right before we found out, our caseworker called to explain that we had been selected for 2 other kids ages 7 and 9, boy and girl who have been in 4 homes in the last year. Yikes.

Yesterday we got word about being chosen for 2 little darlings ages 5 and 7 who are cute as pie, but pretty jacked up with bed wetting, seizures, etc. Again, Yikes.

And today learned a caseworker thinks we are a good fit for an 8 year old whose father killed her mother. "Yikes" just doesn't work for this one.

All this 'being chosen' means nothing except we are "in consideration". Apparently a caseworker can love you and think you're perfect for a particular kid(s), but a supervisor can swoop in and deliver your bundle of joy to another family. So we are being considered for all these kids and there's a good chance none of them could end up in our home.

So we are in limbo and that's an okay place to be. Things are predictable right now. Things are simple and sweet. Any day now, it could all change. Jim was saying earlier today that he feels like he is a servant waiting on the sidelines to be utilized. And we have been obedient. So, even if we aren't filled to the brim with orphans, we are waiting on the edge of the cliff ready to jump as soon as God blows the whistle. It's a scary place to be, but so very exciting and very alive.

And speaking of alive....if you're feeling numb and want to be spiritually moved to the point of physical nausea, read One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are. First chapter almost made me throw up I was so shaken.

On another note, we visited a foster/adoptive family in Godley, TX on Sunday with 20 kids. Twelve kids in their home, eight have moved out and on their own. This family was a blast to watch. It was very normal, if you can believe it. All shapes, sizes and levels were represented. The story of their daughter, Matti and how she came to live with them is something I am hoping she can share with our church soon. At age 15, she speaks to churches about God's grace and miracles and can minister to the hearts of men, women and children much older. I learned so much from meeting these people who have been a part of tremendous joy and heart wrenching sorrow yet they plow away and are knocking down doors, hallways and ceilings to try and squeeze more kids into their lives. Ask me sometime to share a few of their stories. Some hilarious and some sad, but all of them are evidence of God's grace.

I learned from this very experienced family that I will have to accept foster and/or adoptive children as they are and embrace their limitations. I learned I can endure unimaginable sorrow and still go on and continue to help kids. Because, in the end, none of this is about our family dynamics and wanting a house full of pitter pattering feet. It's about a reckless pursuit of Christ....the kind that makes people think we are a little bit crazy, a lot in over our heads, dangerously close to disaster, putting our bio-kids at risk and ill-equiped to manage it all. Right where He wants us. Right where we have to be in order to grow, the exact spot where Grace is tangible and there are enough holes ripped into our life that we can see God more clearly.

We got selected! Sorta.....

2011-04-04T20:05:00.000-07:00

Walks on the beach with just Caton and Daddy while Mommy holds sweet little Georgi are likely to be a thing of the past. We have been initially chosen (okay, actually, we were 2nd choice when the 1st choice people became unavailable) for a sibling group of 3. We are one of a few families initially chosen, so we aren't the definite choice. They are gorgeous Hispanic children ages 6, 9 and 11. The middle is a boy and the youngest and oldest are girls. Here's a summary of their description and almost the ONLY information we have besides some photos:

" Enjoy interacting with one another and other children and able to express themselves in positive ways. They each have lots of talent, good grades, are active and can accomplish many wonderful things if they just have a family who enjoys communicating, playing games with them, is active in their hobbies and will encourage them".

With a description like that, who wouldn't want these kids! And there is likely more to the story, but it's a good starting place! There is a meeting between the CPS workers and our agent advocate on April 14. At this meeting the agents for each family pre-selected will advocate for their family and express why their family is the best choice and ask specific questions that we would want to know. We are supposed to give them a list of questions and a photo book that expresses the nature of our family. It's such a huge task to think of a few questions we want to know about them. How do you narrow it down? Here's a few I have come up with:

1. Any aggression toward younger kids?
2. What's the worst or most troublesome thing each kid has done?
3. What is the makeup of the current foster placement? How many kids, etc?
4. How do they feel about being adopted?
5. Have any of them shown a problem with attachment?
6. Faith background? Attending church and what kind? Enjoy it or just go-along?
7. What talents, specifically, does each posses?

And none of these questions are deal breakers (unless they have burned a house down), more just curiosity so we can start daydreaming about the family dynamics.

If we are selected after this meeting, we will read their file, then wait for a month or so until all of their latest psych-evals are completed and then start visiting the kids.

They will have to live with us for 6 months before the adoption can be consummated, but there shouldn't be any road blocks since parents rights were terminated last July and no family members have come forward.

Exciting stuff. Please pray for these kids, that their advocates will place them with the family that will lead them to Christ most effectively.

Adoption Applications and Foster Licensing

2011-03-22T12:30:00.001-07:00

Can't believe it has been only 6 months since Jason and Ciara went home! It actually feels like a lifetime ago! Since then, Georgi was born and is now practically walking...okay, not really, but she is a CHUNK of baby meat that cannot keep a smile to herself! And I have learned so much about myself and what I expect and don't expect out of children that may someday live in our house!

We have done respite care (keeping foster kids for more than 48 hours) for several families and have learned that we do not want a baby under 12 months. Walking is a must! And have learned that I really prefer and adore girls. "PINK it up" is our motto in this house! Poor Jim is living in a barbie dream world. Poor Jim, HA! He beamed while putting together a pink kitchen last night and recently suggested painting our bedroom pink. (just checking to see if he is reading this). While I lean toward girls, I would love to see the world through the eyes of a mommy with boys and I'd be so proud for Jim to pour into some male souls all the wisdom, strength and tenderness he has cultivated over the years.

So we don't have any new foster kids right now, but I am keeping a 3 year old and a 1 year old on Mondays and Fridays and their mom keeps my girls on Wednesdays (and pays me for the extra day). It has been wonderful to have a day to myself every week and I have bonded strongly with these sweet girls! I have also figured out how to go places all by myself with 4 kids ages 3 and under! I can't be shy about asking strangers for help, It takes a village, but we do it and we have fun and I haven't left anyone behind yet. I'm much more confident now that I have practiced and I feel totally ready, even eager, for the challenge of at least 4 kids!

In other news, we have submitted our home study for 4 groups of kids, none of whom we are likely to be chosen for. Sigh. Why you ask? Really, you have to ask? We've only been married 3.75 years, we have both been married before, we have two young baby girls requiring a lot of attention and we have a shady past. So, there ya go. On paper, next to the Hutchins family, we ain't gonna shine! BUT, that only means that straight adoption (applying for kids who are legally free to be adopted) probably isn't going to happen for us. We can still adopt through foster care. If we foster kids whose parents end up losing their rights and there are no relatives who qualify to take them, then we'd get the kids....if we wanted them. CPS isn't as picky about foster parents as they are about adopted parents because foster families are rare and they are always anxious to place kids quickly assuming they will go back home. But only 40% of kids in foster care end up back at home permanently. So in order to keep things as continuous as possible for these poor children, it's preferable that the foster family who has had them for a year or more ends up adopting. (and as a reminder to those of you who aren't familiar with the system, parents have about a year to 'win' back their kids by working programs like rehab, parenting classes, therapy, etc. If they fail to do this, rights are terminated. But of course there are lots of opportunities to appeal or for family members to step in and claim them, so the process is long and grueling and heart wrenching for everyone).

In this picture to the left, our kids and 3 others on a 'practice' weekend! I'm excited for this to be our norm!

So, right now we are waiting for a call for either foster or to be notified that we've been selected for one of the groups of kids we submitted our home study for. If, by a small miracle, we are selected for the adoptable kids, we'd be able to read the file on the children and learn all about them. If we don't come across info that scared us away, like a history of aggression toward younger kids or something like that, we'd proceed by meeting the kids, then an overnight visit, then slowly transitioning them out of their current foster home and into ours. (if you're wondering why the current foster parents aren't keeping them, it's because many families feel called to ONLY FOSTER, not adopt. That is super needed and very admirable and usually done by families with older kids who just want to help but don't want to be "lifers".)

The kink in this plan is that Jim and I both have to take a class called BCMT every year to keep our license active and we are due to have it before the end of March. It's offered on Saturdays. Not usually an option for me in the Springtime with wedding season in full bloom. Jim will attend this Saturday and I'm going to sneak into the last half hour of the class (after my wedding party is fully beautified) and hope they put me through. Otherwise, our license will be suspended until I can take the class and the April class date doesn't work for me either! UG! Maybe this is God's plan to keep is 'free' until just the right kids for us come available. I love it when He protects us from ourselves!

And POOF, they are gone!

2010-09-03T07:22:00.000-07:00

Why has it taken so long to blog now that I have the freedom to do so? Deep down, probably, because I'm not really proud of the job I did with our first foster kids. I imagined sitting around the table discussing Jesus and telling Bible stories and having long, meaningful conversations. I did not anticipate the reality of a 12 year old girl who really didn't care for me all that much and a precious newborn who'd steal my heart.

They were here for 10 weeks. That's a very short time given that the average length of time in any foster home is 8-9 months. They went to the grandparents. This was a good thing. We weren't saddened much at all. I had met the grandparents and we'd had lots of phone conversations and they had pretty much raised the 12 year old girl anyway. She was VERY happy to go and the baby was still young enough that he didn't really care who was meeting his needs. He's an easy baby and always was and I had no doubts he'd be well cared for and protected.

There is a chance they could come back. If the grandparents aren't protective and don't do a good job keeping the parents away from the kids, then they'll likely come back here. The first thing CPS asked when they picked them up was "can they come back?". This would be devastating for the 12 year old. Not because she hated us, but because it would mean her grandparents failed in addition to her parents and the school change would be tough.

So, how did we do? Jim was amazing with the girl and I felt like I loved on that baby boy as well as could possibly be expected. However, Jim's love for the baby and my love for the girl, were not always evident....or in existence at all, truth be told.

Months of foster parenting classes had us ready for kicking, screaming, masturbating, urinating, foul-mouthed cussing, physical attacks and overall hatred of us, our home and our baby girl. We didn't get any of that. You might be thinking we got lucky, huh? Well, sure. Except all the preparation we'd done mentally, emotionally and intellectually was for out of control kids. We got a helpful 12 year old and a tiny sweet baby who slept far better than ours ever did. No tantrums, no defiance, no raised voices! Yet, somehow it was harder than I ever thought it would be. I still can't really explain why. It's all internal and I'm not sure I've digested it all except I was never prepared to be the one foster parent NOT liked by a 12 year old girl. I mean, REALLY? I'm a 12 year old girl's dream come true! I do hair and makeup, I'm hip and cool and love doing crafty stuff and reading Twilight books and watching silly girly movies. Come on! I was NOT prepared for Jim to be the hero and me the competition for his affection. Maybe I shoulda seen that coming?

There were some really hard times where she admitted to us or told CPS about areas in which I was failing her and she was right! She complained to CPS that I spent too much time on my computer.......and I did. There were days I totally avoided her and buried myself in my "work" (yeah, right) so I didn't have to engage. Another time she complained that I rolled my eyes when she talked to her Mom on the phone. OMG.....did she actually see that? Apparently she did and I confess. I was SO annoyed with the silliness of those fake conversations and I could not seem to help myself from exhibiting my disgust. How awful! That poor girl! And here I am thinking I am doing her some sort of favor?

You really should be a bigger person than I am if you're going to do this. My arrogance was out of control!

Okay, enough beating myself up. I will say that I am very proud of the marriage we displayed to her. We argued well, we were appropriately affectionate, she verbalized 'amazement' at our desire to enjoy quality time with each other that was not sexual. Many foster kids never see healthy adult relationships and therefore have no idea what might be wrong with their relationships later in life. But once they see Godly love among a man and a wife, they'll know something is missing or that it doesn't have to be 'this way' later on when they are in a less than standard relationship. I know this because I never saw a good relationship until I was 22. Seriously. I never witnessed a man who cherished his wife until I was 22. And I was a changed person after that. I almost immediately broke up with the guy I was with (who was nothing like what I had just witnessed) and while it took many years to fully elevate my standards, the bar had been set and I was on my up the ladder.

Another thing I want to say, on a positive note, is how amazing all the CPS people were that we worked with. They were professional and caring and even intimately encouraging to me as an individual when needed. I didn't expect this either. I felt very much like we were the only family on their 'books'. The reality is our agency worker has 50+ cases and the CPS workers probably have more than that. How they were able to respond so quickly and so patiently is beyond me.

Will we do it again? After Georgia is born (Oct. 19 due date) I'm sure we will re-assess. As of right now, if I had to make a choice about how to honor God with the calling he laid on our hearts, I'd pursue adoption of 2 boys (older than the girls, maybe 2-5 years old) from the foster care system. But, I'm sure as we put more distance between this experience and the next, we will forget just how hard it was and have a hard time saying no if we were called to do it again. I'd probably be able to say NO to teenage girls pretty easily.....not because they are awful, but because I AM! And I'm pretty sure Jim would leave me if I said yes to another baby! So, we'd have new qualifications this time, where we had none the first time.

Where was God in this? We were like soldiers ready for battle screaming "Give me Foster Kids or Give me Death....We Want to Jump Off the Cliff!" and His response was the two easiest children who ever entered the system. Hmmm. I think that is God's way of saying "Oh, you're both so cute how you think you can handle anything. You can't. You're still being molded and you're still very immature. Let's work on some personal growth, shall we?"

He did work in our hearts and I know seeds were planted in the kid's lives. I wish we'd been more intentional and we now know so much more about our spiritual leadership capabilities where kids are concerned. We have work to do!

We are so grateful for all of the support and love and funding and clothes and toys and beds and car seats you all provided. We never would have done this without the support of Austin Bible as a whole.

They're HERE........

2010-05-29T16:20:00.000-07:00

It's been 7 weeks since our home study. It took awhile to get officially licensed. Apparently the home study 'studiers' conduct and write the studies on their own time. It's like an extra job and can't be typed up while working regular hours at the agency. That's why it takes so long. Well, that and that it's 30 pages single type. After it gets typed, two people at the agency have to read it and proof it. This, apparently takes even longer! On Thursday morning we got an email saying we were being officially licensed that very moment and that it would take the state of Texas 24 hours to issue a number to us.

Only a little more than 24 hours later, we got a call! I was in Dallas doing a wedding partie's hair and makeup (or about to walk in to it) and Jim was in Alvarado in a court hearing. My mom was watching Caton.

The call was calm and polite. The agency has a 'placement coordinator' who does these calls, so you're not talking to the people you've come to know at the agency. She simply said, as if it's not a big deal at all, "we are having a hard time placing a sibling group due to the age gap. The girl is 12 yrs old and her baby brother was born yesterday. We thought of you guys and thought you might be able and interested." To which I responded "Uh. Ummm. Okay." With all the grace and articulation of Beavis or Butthead.

Jim got home first, around 7pm and started to wash crib sheets, pull out baby gear and dear friends delivered food, diapers, clothes and other essentials we were lacking.

The CPS worker who drove the kids from the Houston area to Austin arrived about a quarter to nine and I arrived about 10 minutes later. Very odd to walk into your home where children are waiting for you already. I had REALLY wanted to greet them with both of us home. But, it was much more seemless than I thought. My darling husband was holding the baby and the girl was checking out her room. We did paperwork for what seemed like 2 hours. I was on an adreniline high, for sure! We learned a lot, but still feel like we know very little.

We were permitted to let her call her mother and grandfather this morning. Her mother and I spoke and she was very kind, grateful and concerned about her kids. It all seemed very genuine and she asked the right questions to show real concern and thanked me and said she will set things right.

Today has been pretty fun. We had a great big breakfast together, blueberry waffels (homemade by my loving husband) and turkey bacon. My sweet mother ran to the store for syrup when we realized we had none.

Caton met the baby and his big sister and is intrigued. She seems to be showing off a bit for them. She gently (well, sorta gently) touches the baby and hasn't quite warmed up to big sis yet. Overall, she is doing fine with the whole arrangement.

We had a massive shopping trip to buy new clothes for big sister and some groceries and other necessities. Her clothes smelled pretty bad and she only has t-shirts and hole-ridden jeans. We bought her a swim suit, shoes, a dress, skirt and some cute tops. She also got new PJs and underwear. She was not greedy at the store, but offered her opinions when asked what she liked. She sings in the car, which is adorable and she has my husband hooked on America's Next Top Model. Seriously, they just watched 5 episodes and are commenting as if they are fashion photographers!

Both babies and I had a big nap this afternoon and we are all down for watching the UFC fight tonight! I know....sounds like a lot of TV watching, but it's Saturday........and we are still learning to be comfortable around each other, although I'm far more comfortable than I thought I would be and I think we all are. Sorta seems like family already.

Thank you for your prayers and offers of help. We are doing exceptionally well, but won't hesitate to ask for help if needed!

God clearly orchestrated this whole thing and His love is overwhelmingly obvious in our home right now. He has given me peace and patience and energy, just as requested.

Please pray for the mother. This is just the sort of thing that leads one to her knees and before Christ. I ache for her more than I thought I could and I know this is the Holy Spirit offering supernatural compassion that I don't normally have. I genuinely want her to get better and be reunited....ONLY if it's healthy and safe, but none the less, to have her children back in her arms and a new life in Christ to share with them.

The Connected Child

2010-05-13T13:55:00.001-07:00

I'm almost done reading The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis and David Cross (both PH.Ds) and I feel completely new in my ability to handle our future foster children! Heck, I feel completely capable of handling Caton now.

I'm sure it won't be quite as easy as the book makes it sound, but at least I'm armed with scripts. That's right, the book gives you the words to use and how to use them.

It also provides easy to understand insight into what children who have been in an orphanage or foster care or abused homes have gone through. But what I really love is the science behind it all! Talk of neurotransmitters and chemicals and hormones actually helps me build compassion as I learn to understand that their behavior (however bad it might be) is biological and instinctive. I can actually respect a child who has had to survive the unimaginable and be more patient with their social problems because of the new found knowledge I have from this book!

I didn't really know about sensory processing disorders until now. And while I admit they scare me, I feel equipped to help them out of it.

And that is the good news! All of this is correctible. Not quickly and not easily. And what these fancy pants doctors don't know is that we have Christ working to heal them on top of the super smart psychological advice, tips, tricks, games and scripts offered in the book!

I hope I can convince you all to pick up this book. It's fascinating even if you don't have children, but are ever around them. And if your child has ever sassed you, outsmarted you or controlled your environment then this stuff can help! But if you're adopting internationally or through the state system, then by all means, READ IT!

Below is the link to a blog/website about what these doctors do. There are CD's available and apparently seminars too. But the book is available at Barnes and Noble.

http://special-needs.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/the-hope-connection-part-1

HOME STUDY

2010-04-23T08:31:00.000-07:00

They don't study the home so much as they study those living in it. If you think it's awkward to share your life story with church members and small groups, well....that is nothing compared to this! When you share your life story, you're in charge of what you say. During the home study, the tables are turned and you're asked things like:

What would you change about your father?
Have you ever had an unpleasant sexual experience?
How did you mother influence you?
How do you feel about parents who abuse children?
What annoys you about your spouse?
Are you satisfied with the frequency of sex in your marriage?
Describe an unhappy time in your life.
What is the best thing you have to offer an abused child?

Then there are the 'what if' questions:

What would you do if a child wet the bed?
How do you plan to protect siblings from sexually acting out on each other?
What behaviors are deal-breakers for you?
How would you react if a child called you foul names?
How do you plan to make the bio-parents part of the kids lives in your home?

Needless to say, we did a lot of stammering and then my lawyer husband came up with some glossy text book answers to which I added "ditto".

The case worker was very kind and surprisingly easy to talk to. She shed light on some areas where we clearly needed education without making us feel like we should have known better.

We spent a lot of time on this couch on a Sunday from 1pm-8:30pm doing the 'couples' segment and my personal segment. Then Jim did his portion on Monday night for about two and a half hours. It really seemed to fly by.

The hardest part of the whole thing was the case worker mentioning (for the 2nd time) a sibling group of 4 kids that have recently been separated into two foster homes because nobody would take all 4 of them. It sounded as if we were their only hope and if we wanted them, they were ours. We wanted them. Then Monday night, after our case worker talked to others at the agency about the home study on Sunday with me, we were red flagged. My colorful past might be a problem for CPS, I was told. And they fear we don't have enough bedroom space.

Ouch.

We carefully measured the bedrooms and knew that per CPS guidelines we could have up to 7 kids in the two rooms we have. But apparently that is a minimum standard they prefer not to have to utilize. The thinking is that, should kids become sexually active with each other (yes, even very little ones who think it's normal play to do to each other what Daddy did to them) then we wouldn't have individual bedrooms in which to move them. Makes sense. I guess. But how many 5 bedrooms homes are out there with no kids currently in them and owned by parents who want 4 messed up kids?

Then there is my past. Most of you know what it entails, and obviously it's a consideration for CPS. I was assured that the Christian agency does not see it as a problem, but an asset and that they will convey that to CPS. But still. It hurts to think we might be overlooked because of a job I held at age 21. Le Sigh.

They do want to have us come in and discuss what having 4 of these kids would really entail and also options we might have for building onto our house or converting our garage into bedrooms......which is not affordable now since we just bought a minivan! But maybe someday. We were also told we will have a chance to talk directly with CPS if they are hung up on any one element of our home study.

So now we wait. It will take up to 6 weeks for them to type the home study, edit and finalize it. Then we will be licensed.

Just yesterday, we were called and asked to provide respite care for 2 little girls this weekend. We are out of town and had to say no, but at least we are on the hot list!

Also, just an update.....we are still open to any age, any sex, any race and letting the agency decide if we should foster, foster only legal risk kids whose case is leaning toward parental rights being terminated, or straight adopt. All of it is up in the air. Although recently I've been daydreaming about twin 6 year old girls. But my daydreams change as often as my hair color.

Where will they sleep?

2010-03-24T12:08:00.000-07:00

Is this the dreamiest room ever? I want to copy it and fill it with sweet little girl-angels. But what if they're boys? Haven't found any inspiration for boys rooms that I like! And no, we won't be letting them decorate their rooms themselves. I am the sole designer in this house and my heart would break to see rooms filled with cartoon characters who spew questionable attitudes. Besides, I won't give in to the commercialism! ( Erin, I like to pretend I'm that tough, anyway, so shut up.)

Beds and logistics are our latest struggle. With our last class on April 10th and the home study shortly after, things are really coming down to the wire. But without knowing how many boys or girls or what ages we will be getting, we are paralyzed! We bought two twin beds off of craigslist. CPS requires each child have his/her own bed. They cannot share. And kids over 6 cannot share a room with the opposite sex sibling. So these are a few challenges we face. We considered bunk beds. Have you ever changed the sheets or made a top bunk bed? NIGHTMARE! And we will be required to change the sheets weekly regardless of need. Another requirement, if you're curious, is that a waterproof mattress pad cover is required for all foster children. Bed wetting is apparently pretty common in traumatized kids.

Will we need toddler beds? Another crib? I think we have decided that regular twin beds can be toddler friendly (with fancy new 'rails' offered now). My mom has an extra crib, so if needed, we could get that quickly. But will 2 twin beds be enough? Our agency says we can go out and buy beds on the fly if needed. We can fit 4 in one of the bedrooms and 3 in another and still meet the 40 sq. ft. per child rule. But oh how I long to paint and buy bedding and hang lighting. If you're thinking I should stay neutral (Jennie, I know that's what you're thinking!) to fit either gender, I've considered it and it goes against my nature. I want a pink room and a silver sage & black room for boys. But it'll have to wait since I don't know if the larger room will be needed for girls or boys.

I'm aware this might sound a bit shallow, but I'm pretty sure once we have 4-6 children total in our lives, I'll never have an opportunity to care about anything but function ever again! So give me my decor or give me death! Too dramatic?

And by the way, we are expecting a baby of our own in October! Yep, 10 weeks pregnant and sonogram shows a very active little peanut with a strong heartbeat! Praise God! Even though His timing is hilarious! After our last miscarriage in January, we got really serious about foster/adopt. We probably would have kept foster/adoption on the 'someday' list if the January pregnancy had not miscarried. I guess this is God's way of pushing us out of our comfort zone!

That's where we stand for now! Caton is standing in her crib calling for me! That still freaks me out!

Peeking into a Real Foster/Adopt Family!

2010-03-01T08:00:00.000-08:00

How many of these little creatures can one man with one wife handle? The answer is at least 4! Jim and I met a family last night that went from 0 to 4 kids in about a year. The kids are 3 and under! Two twin boys about to turn 2 years old, their older sister who is 3 and a brand new 2 month old baby, born to them, are thriving in this warm, simple and incredibly clean home.

Our agency, Arrow, put us in contact with this family so we could talk to them about what it's like to expand that quickly. It was remarkable how similar our circumstances are. They were also married about 3 years ago and met online just like us! After a miscarriage and trying to conceive for a long time, (just like us) they decided to get serious about fostering and adopting to grow their family. Their hearts lead them to local kids in the foster system. They got pregnant right after they accepted the two twin boys. When she was 8 months pregnant they got a call that the older sister needed to be adopted too. How could they say no? Easily! But they didn't. They felt that her life was worth the added inconvenience of having yet another toddler!

Is your mouth dropped open? Can you imagine? It's unreal.....but very real. We saw it! And it's beautiful! And they were organized and HAD NO PLASTIC TOYS! And the kids were well behaved and while we know they aren't always on their best behavior, life is pretty sweet as they watch these kids blossom and come alive!

Wait, back up. No plastic toys? Yep. Simple, beautiful wooden push toys were neatly placed in a basket. The backyard contained two red tricycles, a sandbox with two metal dump trucks, 4 chickens, a compost pile and a beautiful garden. I have no idea how they keep those kids entertained all day with out an exersaucer, jump-n-go, doll house and other plastic crap piled in every corner. I was so jealous! I wanted to come home and put all Caton's toys in the garage and see if I could keep her happy with just a few wooden toys, as I had originally intended to do. But then I remembered who I am.....(and why that didn't work out in the first place). And while these people had some almost creepy similarities in circumstances to us, they were NOT us. But I hope God can make us more like them.....and I suspect that the process of raising traumatized kids will mould us into something much closer to this gentle, loving and focused family!

PROGRESS UPDATE: This week we are taking one more class, getting fingerprinted (which I did this morning!), taking an online medical consent training course, getting our fire inspection (got health inspection last week!) and have to get our TB tests. From there we will lack one class that we are hopeful we can take sometime this month (waiting for it to be scheduled) and then we do our home study!

FYI: The family we met last night, got certified and two weeks later got a call for two little girls. While they were at the store buying baby girl stuff, the agency called back and said a grandmother had been found who would take them instead. It was two weeks after that when the call came in for the twin boys. That's how fast it can happen! WOW.

Untangling God and Ponytails

2010-02-12T16:26:00.000-08:00

Jennie has a blog. Who knew this? Several of you, apparently. I knew her username was God and Ponytails, but I didn't know the first word was "untangling". Man, is this deep! Check out her blog at www.jennieallen.com
God is hard to untangle. I guess that is why we have to pursue Him with all our heart. And the ponytails....well, my interpretation (sorry if I'm off base, Jennie) is that women really struggle to learn how and where we fit into God's plans and what He wants from us. Why does he have to Whisper? I respond better to gutteral barking!

I bet that has something to do with my lack of 'meekness'. I'm cultivating. It's just a slow process.

Her post about God prefering obedience to sacrifice comes from the idea of Saul having made an 'unrequested' sacrifice. It is better to be obedient to what he is asking (even if that means 'wait' or 'go' or 'stop') than to martyr yourself if it wasn't God's nudging, but your own.

This post of Jennie's really made me think. Am I pursuing fostering and adopting because of my own need for adventure and not necessarily God's adventure? Or filling my order for 6 kids? It's even crossed my mind that this could all be an elaborate scheme to not have to exercise. I mean, who would expect me to be able to do that if I have 5 kids? I'm totally off the hook for that.

Or do I just want attention for being 'good'? Is this works based and not faith based?

I know I sounded all confident in my last post, but now I'm shaken again.

Someone PLEASE tell me this is Satan at work in my mind!

Could I give this up if God asked me to? If it all became clear that my motives are wrong (although I'm fairly sure Jim's are pure) could I walk away from this? Would I? Is it MY idea? I am known to force things to happen. In the last several years, most of those things God has blessed and I've considered myself a 'make it happen' kind of girl.

And you know what....that statement brings a bit of clarity! By George! I HAVE made things happen, but I've been walking in community and in the Spirit and God has blessed them. I'm only CLOSER to Him now. Maybe it's just who I am and the way God made me that I'm a 'forcer'. I like it. I'm at peace with this. Please tell me if I'm off base! Jennie, this means you.

Leaving a Legacy

2010-02-10T09:40:00.000-08:00

My dear friend Erin hooked me up with an amazing chick from her church whose parents adopted older kids when she was 15. We've been emailing a bit but have never met. Her encouragement has been crucial in our development of a mental framework for fostering and adopting. Erin says this girl is a RARE JEWELL. The kind of person every parent wants their daughter to grow up and become. Below, I combined some of her responses to my questions about what her life was like and if she thought her parent's expectations of what kind of impact they might have on these kids was met or not.

MEGAN SAYS:

Hi!

I'm happy to share our "story" we have learned so far in all this :) I'll start with an apology because I'm sure it's going the be a long response.

I think the first place to start is to determine if you want to be foster, or you want to adopt...because that will really shape the whole approach to the process. With foster, you can adopt...but foster is really about taking kids in for a period of time, and letting them go when called to do that. If you guys have a heart for the transitional, that would be a wonderful option. There really aren't enough good foster families. Some kids do stay forever, but the thought process with foster is that you get them for a window :)

With adoption the focus is forever, I think foster would have been difficult for my family just because there is no way that my mom could have a child in our home for a few years and then let them go, we are a family that gets way too attached. We adopted a sibling group, siblings are harder to place, so we felt called to do that. They were 5,8 a boy and girl. At the time I was 15, and my brother was 11. I think our situation was mixed. They had been in and out of foster care, and group homes, as well as in and out of their mothers care off and on. She was bi-polar and into drugs/alcohol. They got to our house with very few belongings, all in garbage bags. They worried about food and used to hide it in their rooms, worried we would run out. My mom used to have to sit in the bathroom while they showered because if they couldn't physically see my mom they would scream. It's hard to even think about that now, 18 years later. The long term issues from the bio mom created attachment disorder in my sister, so she literally can't bond with anything. She wasn't held as a baby etc. It's a bit frightening because family is a term with no emotional attachment so she didn't feel badly about behaviors, language, decisions, etc. And now she is 26, and we go for months sometimes without hearing form her, because it doesn't occur to her. When you're used to a close family that's hard. My brother has some developmental issues that make basic decision making more difficult for him, he is now 23 but he is very attached and we see/hear from him regularly. He lives the closest to home and has dinner every Sunday with my parents.

I think that medical and family history are CRITICAL in being able to assess if a child is a good fit for your home. Some, like the ones we adopted took so much emotional energy and work that it changes your family. It changes the dynamics, communication etc. My brother felt, and still feels, like he really was overlooked because he was fine, and they required so much that at the end of the day they just didn't have much more to give. So the greater the need, the greater the time and energy. Now as adults with more perspective I think we are all better at just accepting each other where we're at and not having the expectation that we do things the same. For example it was expected that my bio brother and I would go to college, my parents tried to have that same expectation of my other siblings but they just didn't have the same feelings or desire...so my parents had to learn to just let us all be very different kids, motivated by very different things. The bottom line is we all know they had/have a life far better than ever possible because of the choice my parents made and we all feel good about that.

I think with a 5 month old it would be a wonderful opportunity, because if it's adoption they are now siblings, so if it starts at a younger age, the easier it is for them to feel bonded. I would, if possible, avoid kids that come form a background with mental illness, that is more unpredictable than substance stuff. Agencies usually are not as open in disclosing that info but of all the things I think you should push for info on...that would be #1. Substance issues probably on some level affect up to 60% of American born foster/adopt kiddos, BUT that is much easier to manage and in many cases is mild in terms of behavioral issues. I also don't see issues with being an interracial family, kids don't see color the way grown ups do and it's not something that our family would have considered a deal breaker. I think the older the child the harder it is to undo the years in the system, but some people are gifted with teens, so that really is an area unique to the family.

God calls special people/families to do this, and if that's where you are feeling led...he will bless you guys and the process, and have the kid(s) that are supposed to be your family ready at the time you're ready. It won't come without challenge, but it will be huge in terms of rewards.

You and your husband could have a GREAT impact on these kids. It might not be the way you pictured it, or feel the same but an impact nonetheless. I think kids are so much smarter than anyone gives them credit for, so it's really more of an adult fantasy that a child comes in and it fits perfectly and it's a family, end of story. These kids have been let down, possibly hurt physically, for sure emotionally...and they dream of a family but at the same time have been made to feel like they aren't worth it. It takes a lot of time to turn that boat around. You could have the perfect placement and have none of these issues as well. I just feel like we were led to think it was so easy, and it wasn't...we had to reach out and find resources, network etc to see if our experience was "normal". It will change your life and the life of the kids, but it can be some hard work.

My parents just took over guardianship of 15yr old twins that lost their family, and I watch the news on Haiti and want to go down there and bring back some kids. Adoption/Foster will leave a legacy for your daughter, as it did for me. I want to do it as well, even knowing all I do. My husband is not of the same view, but I feel like over time as I expose him to the horrible conditions kids here in the US, and all over the world live in...I hope he feels like it's a little selfish not to consider saving a child not born to us. I'm kind of a pain in the ass so he'll hear about it :)
I hope some of this helps.

Megan

How amazing that her parents are continuing to bless more children and that she hopes to do the same! If our Baby Caton can grow up with a sense of responsibility and love for hurting kids and ends up wanting to give back, then we have created a legacy that impacts God's Kingdom. Which is the only legacy worth leaving. THANKS MEGAN!

Motives

2010-02-08T13:40:00.001-08:00

Look at these precious babies! They are on a list of about 8 sets of kids for whom I want to submit my home study.

If you want to straight up adopt and not take a chance of getting a kid you can't handle or won't blend well with your kids or don't want to take the chance that you could fall in love and they'd be sent home, then you can adopt through the state and it costs almost nothing! As a matter of fact, and I mentioned this before, they state will pay you!

You can go online to the TARE galleries and look at pictures and sometimes small bios on the kids. These are kids that are legally free for adoption. You submit your home study to CPS and they review it and see if you're a good match. If you're selected, you would have the opportunity to read their entire file so you'd know exactly what has been going on with them. If you're still interested, you meet them a few times and then the integration from their current foster home to your home happens. Sometimes that is a very slow process and sometimes not. It just depends on the kid(s).

Anyway, just wanted to share that beautiful photograph and give you a glimpse of some very real faces that need a permanent family.

On another note, Jim and I have been praying that God might reveal any impure motives we have for wanting to do this. There are lots of reasons I want to do this and could probably convince anyone of the most noble on the list. But I know myself. And I know human nature.

I have to admit that I get some enjoyment from people simply knowing that Jim and I are on this path. Is it because they say "Oh, that is such a great thing you're doing"? Or is it to educate people on the process? Or is it simply that I'm excited about it and want to share it with others? Maybe all three. But maybe there is more.

I don't think people, in general, are honest with themselves about their motives. It's not often that anyone explores their motives. Why would you if nobody is asking you to? And if you dug deep to find them, you might become a little too self aware and not like what you find.

In the Bible, David asked God to reveal any evil in his heart. I'm asking the same. You might think EVIL is a harsh word for a selfish motive, but I believe the most evil things in the world are the ones nobody would really call "evil". For instance, putting your kids first. Who, in their right mind, would say that is evil? I would. Putting your kids first is worshiping a false god. And God takes that pretty seriously.

This post is getting WAY to heavy!! Back to motives:

Satan has shouted at me about what a glory-hog I am, but the Holy Spirit is consistently reminding me to ignore him. I'm growing more confident every day that my motives are pure. For those of you who know my story of grace, you might understand why I would want to give back anything I can to help those who might be headed in the same direction in which I was once lost.

Maybe the biggest motive is ADVENTURE! God made us adventure junkies! Christianity is an adventure full of scary obstacles and wonderful joy. The more a heart becomes like God's character, the more it longs for bigger adventure. You know, you start off just walking down the church aisle to God's calling. That is REALLY scary for new Christians. Then you're totally into water sports, meaning baptism, of course. Then you're climbing mountains like sharing your faith with your friends. Maybe you do some deep sea diving and have to be rescued (straying away from God and returning to his Grace) and eventually......... maybe................ you're willing to foster some jacked-up kids.

I'm excited and scared and this adventure won't end when my vacation days are all used up! It keeps going! Might get hurt. Might climb to new heights. But I'm standing on the edge of the cliff, ready to jump and my amazing Husband is beside me, but my GOD is beneath me waiting to catch me if I fall......my bungee cord, if you will.

A dumb question.

2010-02-05T07:26:00.000-08:00

Our 2nd class was last night. It was to learn about Separation, Loss and Grief. I realized I haven't really suffered very much. The biggest loss in my life was that of Gavin. My dear friend's twin baby boy who died very early in his little life leaving his brother, Mason, behind to navigate this big wide world with a super cool dad and a mother that is such an inspiration and mentor to me in my own big wide world of motherhood.

This loss rocked my world. It was the first time anyone close to me had suffered in such an intense way. It made me realize how precious and fragile life is and just how in control God really is. Not a day goes by that I don't think....it could happen to me. And you know what? Knowing that my sweet friend went through it before me and paved the way and knowing that children do not belong to us anyway, I would survive. They are God's children, born to us or fostered or adopted. They are His and we are entrusted to their care. If God decides to take them back or return them to another I have to know it's for His glory and our growth. I know....easier said than done.

Let me get to my dumb question. I asked if during any of these classes we'd be taught how best to deal with a manipulative child who might insist we buy him or her things to show them we love them.

The instructor looked at me blankly as if I was asking if marshmallows were an acceptable breakfast. I wondered, briefly, if I misspoke or somehow wasn't clear. But she rescued me from my uncertainty and delivered me into humiliation when she responded that these kids just want their basic needs met. Food. Shelter. Love. None of them ask for unnecessary items.

When I recovered from feeling like a dumb cheerleader in an advanced literature class, I realized it would take a parent who has taught these children that it's even possible to manipulate in such a way. And that this 'issue' is very much isolated to us Richy-Rich's. And by rich, I mean rich in love, rich in food and rich in shelter. We learned that when trauma happens to children, their brains go into survival mode. They become so focused on the basics that they may not even feel physical pain much less ask for a barbie dream house!

WHY?

2010-02-04T19:58:00.000-08:00

-Because a little girl who always looked out the window was noticed by a neighbor. When she wasn't seen by the neighbor for quite some time, the neighbor called CPS. When they showed up they found a mom and two boys. They asked if a girl lived there. Mom said, "yes, she's in the closet." She was found in the closet, bug infested, lying in the fetal position next to a pile of dirty diapers... totally dissociative. She was mentally and emotionally still an infant, even though she was about 6 years old. CPS took her and placed her with a family who, through some very hard times, was patient with her and she is now making progress, but she'll never catch up to her age. BTW, the two boys remained with mom as part of 'deal' made with mom to voluntarily terminate her rights to that girl.

-Because there is an 8 yr. old boy who runs. He runs out of class at school, the teachers chase him. He runs away from his foster home and his parents chase him. He doesn't run because he is quirky or a bad kid. He runs because he has no coping skills to allow him to deal with the abuse and neglect he suffered in an appropriate manner. No kid does.

-Because a 7 year old boy in foster care right now is so afraid of the bathroom door being closed that his parents can't close the door. Because another boy has a phobia of the shower and his 'dad' has to sit outside the shower and coach him through it.....or he just takes a bath. Because some of the kids hoard food because they are so afraid they'll run out. I guess we don't have to wonder how these phobias get started.

-Because these kids need foster parents or adoptive parents who won't say "this is too much to deal with, you have to move."

-Because these kids are grieving. They were removed because of sexual abuse. They were removed because they were neglected by parents who actually want to keep them despite the inability to care for them or provide.

-Because most kids in the CPS system weren't simply given over because their parents recognized they couldn't care for them as well as someone else could.

-Because families like YOURS are the BEST place for these kids. Because you understand unconditional love. Because they can see how appropriate child/parent relationships work by seeing you with your kids.

-Because Christ loved you and pardoned you and changed you and your changed life can change their lives.

First of 9 classes, DONE!

2010-02-03T15:11:00.000-08:00

Orientation Class was last night! Walking into the class, we were both curious what the other people there would look like. Am I the only one who thinks the stereotype for foster parents is 50-60 year old couples who have smoked since they were 8 years old, have 6 cats, 11 kids and dishes piled to the ceiling?

Well, I was disappointed not to find those odd balls in this crowd! Okay, I was pleased, actually. It was apparently a very large class for what is normal (about 24 people were there) and it was a real melting pot of ages, races and maybe even income level, but almost everyone seemed to be there for the right reasons. (in case you didn't know, the state pays $20/day per kid and up for foster parenting, so at $600/month some people are motivated for the wrong reasons)

The instructors were very well qualified with so much experience that I was dying to take them home with me and hear all their stories! They shared some very interesting examples of situations and here is what I learned:

The SPCA started CPS in 1887 when a girl was found starved and chained to a bed. There was no one to call to investigate except the SPCA. So, um, yeah....people cared more about cruelty to animals than people back then....and maybe still do. If only Sarah McLaughlin had been around to sing her guilt-ridden song for kids instead of dogs and cats!

The guy that started this agency, Mark Tennant, was a foster kid who moved to 3 homes before his 3rd family taught him who Christ was and what it meant to love unconditionally. While they didn't formally adopt him, they are still very much his family. He started Arrow in order to find more families like his 3rd family to love these children who have suffered so much rejection, abuse, loss, abandonment and neglect.

Psalm 127, "Children are a gift of the Lord, like arrows in the hand of a warrior."

We also learned the different ways kids come into the system and what it's like to commit to them. The commitment has to be VERY strong because having the child in your home and then saying "this isn't working out" is pretty much the worst thing you could do to them. That is how kids end up in so many different homes, it's because foster parents quit on them! This is why good people are needed for this job!

You give them a profile of what you want. You can ask for a 0-12 month old white baby with no developmental delays and wait a very long time or you can be wide open. Wide open is very scary. You could get a call in the middle of the night that a 15 year old boy needs a place to stay because his parents just got arrested and they may not know ANYTHING about this kid except his age and race. WHOA. That kid could be there for only one day (maybe a relative takes him once they are located) or he could be there for a year or for life. This has me re-thinking my 'qualifications list'. Not saying I wouldn't be open....and you can always say NO when they call....but WOW. That's tough stuff.

We also learned how you can adopt. There are 3 ways:

Foster to Adopt: you take foster kids and have to be prepared for them to leave your home after you've grown attached. But sometimes their parents won't complete all the steps needed to get them back and their rights get terminated and then you can adopt them if you want to, but you aren't obligated and you might not even be chosen if a relative steps in at the last minute that is suitable.

Legal Risk: One of the qualifications you can list for who you'll take is 'legal risk'. These are kids whose case is leaning toward them being available for adoption but with a small chance that rights may not be terminated. So you could ask for a kid under 3 years old, any race, legal risk, chose your preferred sex and end up adopting a kid in perhaps less time than it takes to pay $25,000 to adopt a newborn. And YOU get paid instead of paying.

Adoptable: Kids who are free for adoption. You can go to www.dfps.state.tx.us/Adoption_and_Foster_Care and see profiles of kids who want to be adopted. You can submit your application and if you're chosen it could be as little as a few months to process.

I also learned that recently a 10 month old black baby girl needed foster parents and was legal risk (probably adoptable) and only 1 family out of the 90 represented by Arrow had listed they were open to black babies. Everybody wants a white baby or Hispanic? Really? Not so among the people I know! Sad.

I'm learning more and more that if couples who want to adopt internationally are only doing so because they think it's too hard here or that there isn't a need.......THEY ARE WRONG!

Here is some incentive to consider adopting locally:

If you adopt a kid that is:

6 years old or older and white
2 years old and minority
Any age/race sibling group
Any age with special needs

That child qualifies for $400-$545 per month, Medicaid till 18, dental care, free college, AND reimbursement of adoption expenses!!! Hello! Why isn't there a billboard somewhere with this info?

FIRE INSPECTION UPDATE:

Talked to the fire dude and he said 45" from the floor windows aren't a problem and not to worry. A tri-fold fire place screen is what they DO NOT want to see, but a mesh pull chain curtain thingy is fine ($45). What gets most people is that you cannot use extension cords. AT ALL. You can use power surge strips, but no extension cords anywhere! Another thing that fails people is that your extinguisher must be inspected. He suggested you buy it at a place that inspect it and it runs $5. You also need to have a 3A40BC extinguisher. That is the type that passes. You can buy this at Longhorn Fire and Safety 512-258-SAFE 2003 S. 1st St. is the address. But there are other safety equipment companies around.

If you don't pass your inspection at $50, you have to pay another $50 for them to come back out.

Arrow is going to be at our church on Sunday after the service to talk about foster/adopt. Please tell everyone you know who might be interested! Austinbible.org

Faith vs. Lithium & Foster Certification Checklist

2010-02-02T13:37:00.001-08:00

I can't do this!

I know I can't. It's too much responsibility and too much potential heartache.

Then the Holy Spirit whispers, "You're right. You can't do this."

And then He says "But, I can!"

So, here are my options: I can either be dependent on Him to get me through this, NOT do it, or rely on good ole Lithium to get me through the heartache.

My good friend, JoNeel, heard a radio program the other day in which someone stated (loosely) that so many don't foster because they say they can't deal with the heartache when the kids leave. The interviewee said "If you're heart doesn't break when they leave, then you haven't done your job. You're heart should break. Your job is to give them a piece of your heart."

How inspiring is that? God can rebuild our hearts anyway and He makes them stronger and more beautiful each time we are willing to hand them over!

I know there will be wonderful moments of tenderness too, but I'm trying to keep my expectations low. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best!

CHECKLIST!

I thought it might be helpful for foster pursuers, future foster wanna-bes or those who need your feeling that we are crazy for doing this validated, to tell you what is required. The legal requirements to be considered are very basic:

-21 yrs of age but my agency, Arrow, says 25
-clean criminal record for 5 years and no history of abuse
-High School grad or GED
-Employed
-Drivers License
-Legal resident of US
(you can be single or married and live in an apartment or a house)

And you should know that Child Protective Services partners with Agencies all over. You can get certified through the state or through an agency and it all costs the same (very, very little). Adoption is another story, but foster care is not expensive to pursue through an agency. The agency will advocate for YOU while the state will advocate for the biological parents. Most city's CPS department will have an orientation meeting once a week or once a month that is the kick-off for getting started and answering questions.

The agency we are working with, Arrow, requires a few more things:

-25 yrs of age
-demonstrate lifestyle that embraces basic tenets of a Christian faith
-Married, Divorced or Widowed for at least one year

Easy, right? I mean an ex-con with 5 years on the outside could do this! And it's a good thing, because that is a basic description of me.

But what the PR department doesn't tell you is that THIS is the real checklist:

-Application (a degree from seminary would have been helpful in filling out this bad boy!)
-Criminal Background check
-Finger Prints ($48) (can't they just fax them over from Vegas? Mine are on file there....and a few other places)
-Reference Letters
-Pictures of your family and home and rooms in your home
-Agreement not to spank
-Floor plan of your home (can be drawn, just a basic layout is needed)
-Pet vaccination records
-Pool/Hot tub plan
-Weapons Inventory
-Drivers License
-Birth Certificate of everyone in your house (I don't think it has to be a certified copy, just a carbon copy is okay)
-Marriage Certificate, if married
-Divorce Decree (tracking down 3 of them between mine and Jim's collection of ex-spouses is proving difficult)
-Auto Insurance
-Letter from insurance stating foster or adopted kids are covered
-Foster Parent Budget form (basically a financial breakdown of your debt and income)
-Paycheck stubs
-Family Violence Disclosure form
-Attend 9 classes (orientation, CPR, Medication training, child restraint/emotional dealings, etc.)
-Health Inspection ($60) and you must request it in writing (at least in Williamson county)
-Fire Inspection ($25-$50)
-Home Study

***** SIDE NOTE on Health inspection and Fire Inspection:

Health Inspection: it's pretty easy as long as you've got indoor plumbing. I think the only thing we will need to do is run through our house and look for obvious child dangers. For instance, I think we will need to move the glass jars in this picture that sit on the ledge and contain our flour, pasta, sugar, etc. A taller child could easily knock them over and cut themselves on the glass. But the real danger to the child would be what I would do to him/her if my precious jars were broken.

And we need to put covers on all the electrical outlets and just install indoor plumbing and we're good to go. But here is the link to the PDF for what's required. You'll have to copy and paste it, I can't get my link option to work.

http://www.wcchd.org/docs/GeneralInspection/FOSTER_HOME_7.pdf

Fire Inspection: This can be tricky. Here is the link to the requirements.

http://www.tdi.state.tx.us/fire/documents/fmsifoster.pdf

Our windows are 45" from the ground.....just one inch outside of the requirement. I don't know if they'll let this slide or if we'll have to simply knock out the wall and install new windows. Piece of freakin' cake!

We also need to buy a fire extinguisher. $20. I read an article that said the KIDDE brand is highly recommended. You can buy an extinguisher at Home Depot or Academy, but not sure if they carry the KIDDE brand or not.
And we have to write up an emergency exit plan, but I have instructions on how to do that. I can email it to you. It's very simple.

Another thing we have to do to pass fire inspection is put an immovable screen on our fireplace. Funny story: we just took off the ugly brass screen and sold it on craigslist for a 6 pack of beer. I'm not kidding, not even a little bit. I bet we can't buy one for a 6 pack of beer now!!! Dang it.

I'm sure there are a few things I have left out and I'm sure there are a few things Arrow has forgot to mention as well. It's a long journey. The classes can be completed in one month if you're schedule is open, but putting together your docs and getting your home prepared is a whole lot more trouble!

I hope I can effectively communicate to my foster children someday the love it takes to choose to do this! I certainly didn't go through this much to prepare for my biological child!!!

Ugly thoughts

2010-01-31T12:44:00.000-08:00

Today is Sunday and we will spend the bulk of our evening finishing our application and putting together all the documents that prove we aren't Martians or Mormons. And when the app is finished, we are only about 10% of the way there. It starts with a 19 page application, then a health inspector report and a fire inspection. HUH? I have NO idea what a health inspector looks for, but I'm pretty sure I'll be listing this experience as one of my most embarrassing moments. When they find dog hair in the refrigerator (how does it get there? do they get into the fridge when we aren't home?) or realize our chicken is allowed in the house when it's raining or cold outside, I'm certain we will be crossed off the list of appropriate people to whom an orphan should be appropriated.

In addition to being harshly judged (why am I so defensive in assuming they'll be harsh?) by inspectors of all sorts, we have to take 9 classes to learn how to restrain a child, store psychotropic medication and secure our chainsaw. I'm really hoping we don't end up with an aggressive, bi-polar psychopath, but I appreciate all the education I can get on how to manage them and love them effectively just in case we do. So, I'm pretty stoked about the classes! They start Tuesday and would end on Feb 20, but I have a wedding that day and so we'll have to wait for the last few classes to roll back around in March unless our agency offers an expedited program to accommodate Haitian children influxes. I'm really hoping they will offer more classes in preparation for the Haitian kids as I'd love to get this knocked out so we can move on to our home study!!

A home study is NOT the same thing as the health and fire inspection. The home study, from what I understand, is when the agency sends their experts into our home to interview (interrogate) us separately and then together (in case we give different answers?) on things like disciplinary action, sensitivity toward the biological parents, and of course, view our home to see how many kids could fit. I'll have to clear out a room and in it place a single folding chair and dangle an obnoxious 200 watt light bulb from the ceiling. But all kidding aside, this is also our opportunity to tell the agency what kind of kid(s) we want and what we might find unacceptable. And this is where I get confused, scared and very very sad.

I have ugly thoughts. I have shallow thoughts. My husband, as close to perfect as a man gets, probably doesn't think like I do, but it is HARD to consider what boundaries we might set for what kind of child we'd volunteer to love. How do you do this? Should I be honest about the fact that I wonder if I'll have a harder time cherishing an aesthetically unappealing child over a really cute one? Or would I?

I did adopt the ugliest dog in the pound once because I thought nobody would ever love him. And when I work in the children's ministry, I always pay close attention to the weird, snot infested kids because I'm afraid that they'll feel unloved or compared to the cuter, happier kids.

So, maybe I do have a heart for the less attractive kids. Or is it just SO awful that I even think they are less attractive that I shouldn't even be allowed to raise my own children? I know God sees them all the same and made each child unique and perfect for His plan, but let's face it, the world has brainwashed us into placing value on beauty. Therefore, those lacking beauty are deemed less valuable. And it makes me sad that I can't escape this evil no matter how much I love Christ. I can escape acting on these awful thoughts (sometimes) but I can't keep from thinking them.

And talk about SAD! How do you tell the agency what we find unacceptable in a child. Why is ANYTHING unacceptable if we are called to love unconditionally? I mean, I get that they don't want you to care for a child you don't really want. And you have to be mentally, physically and emotionally ABLE to care for the kids you take on, but how sad is it that so many foster parents only want the easy kids?

Well, we talked about it and we have VERY few requirements. We will just let the Lord lead us. Since we don't feel ready for ANY of this, why bother limiting ourselves. We'll just see what God thinks we can handle. Should be interesting to see what God thinks of us. Easy kids must mean God is thinking, "yeah, the Goldsmiths can barely provide the basics for Caton, so let's not saddle them with kids that can't cook for themselves, do their own laundry and pretty much teach themselves algebra......As a matter of fact, let's give the Goldsmith's kids who can take care of THEM!" But what an honor it would be for God to think we are capable, in any capacity, to love and nourish a child who has no concept of family, doesn't know how to love or who may have physical disabilities or 5 siblings from whom they cannot be separated. YIKES!!! and YAY!!!

I still have so much growing to do! I can't wait to see how God uses these kids to teach me how to be more like Him.

Kids DO grow on trees!

2010-01-30T17:21:00.000-08:00

Does it sound cold to say that kids grow on trees? Maybe if you're trying to conceive it does. But for every couple out there struggling to get pregnant there are hundreds more having kids they can't or won't care for. Kids are just growing on trees in all parts of the world and adoptive parents walk through the orchard snatching up the young, tender fruit. The ripe ones are so often over looked.

The Bible is full of tree references. My church, Austin Bible, relies heavily on the tree metaphor to communicate how we operate. Our children's ministry is called "Roots" and each class is called sprouts, seedlings, saplings....all the way up to mighty oaks. Our newsletter is called "The Dirt". So you get the idea. And children do grow on trees....at least in a metaphorical way.
Children need to sprout out of the ground and grow in the Son and contribute to the strength of a family tree.

There is a children's home on the same block where we live. Adoption and foster parenting have been heavy on our hearts since we moved to Round Rock all of 6 months ago. Our good friend Jessica works at that children's home and has been pushing orphans on us like an Amway clone. God bless her. We thought it would be a 'someday' thing. We are learning that the need is not someday...it's now and that we will never be ready or prepared.

28,883 children in foster care in Texas
26.0% of foster children are between ages of 0 and 5
23.2% of foster children are between ages of 6 and 12
50.8% of foster children are between ages of 13 and 21

Average time a child spends in foster care: 2 years (18.9 months)
Nationally: 2 years (21.8 months)

43% of children experience three or more foster care placements
Nationally: 42%

20.1% (5,818) of children live in group care or institutional settings
Nationally: 18.2% (93,521)

We will chronicle our journey to becoming foster parents. It is a very fast process compared to adoption, but very intense. Our journey became official when we received our application from an agency just a few days ago.

Our decision to do this NOW sprang from the potential for Haitian orphans needing homes in a hurry. The Haitian government has not released them yet, but we have decided to be ready either way so we can give our lives away just like our church leaders have raised us and released us to do. We are blessed to pursue this with tremendous support from our biological families and our church family! What a ride it will be!